


Little Lion Man

by kopperblaze



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Fili and Kili are NOT related in this, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slavery, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2017-12-30 16:27:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kopperblaze/pseuds/kopperblaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a child Prince Kili had a slave companion named Fili, but his thoughtlessness ended in his grandfather taking Fili away. It takes Kili years to find Fili again. When he finally does it's under less than ideal circumstances - Fili now belongs to a cruel noble from the Iron Hills. Even if Kili manages to get him back, he's not sure if he can undo the damage done. </p><p> </p><p>See notes for the full prompt of the Hobbit Kink Meme this is a fill for. </p><p>(This is a repost. For some reason I managed to delete the original fic and not even notice)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> "AU: Erebor never fell. 
> 
> King Thrain gifts his grandson, Prince Kili (who's the dwarven equivalent of about eight or nine years old) a special birthday present:  
> His very own slave companion, a boy maybe a year or two older than Kili with golden hair. Kili names his new toy Fili and proceeds to treat him as a spoiled child would treat any other toy - not very good. Kili delights in causing mischief and then blaming Fili for it, and though everyone knows who the real perpetrator was, Fili is punished for it anyway.
> 
> Until the day Kili finally goes too far. To teach him a lesson, Thrain takes Fili away from him and sells him. Kili throws a tantrum and then promptly forgets about the whole thing.
> 
> Fast forward. Kili grew up and is horrified at his own behaviour in the past, especially to this one boy he had for a few years, called Fili. He tries to find him, but to no avail. At least until a diplomatic party from the Iron Hills arrives. Among them is a young noble with cruel eyes and on his knees next to him, a bruised and broken slave with golden hair...
> 
> ...Cliché fic ahoy. Please make me cry for my poor Fili, but I will love you forever if you manage to wrangle them into a happy ending, or something approaching one."
> 
> Title and lyrics from Mumford and Sons' "Little Lion Man".

* * *

_And it was not your fault but mine  
And it was your heart on the line_

"You have to get him back!"

"Kili-"

"No, you _have_ to! Or … or order Dain to _give_ him back. You're the King, he has to listen to you!"

"Kili."

"Uncle." Kili holds Thorin's gaze, jaw set firmly and eyes alight with determination. Thorin sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Fine. I will discuss it with Dain tomorrow."

"But uncle-"

"Tomorrow," Thorin interrupts, tone final. Kili's shoulders sag in defeat. Tomorrow is a long time away and patience has never been Kili's strong suit. Besides, he doesn't think he can make it through tonight's feast without punching Nigug in his stupid face. Fili is _his_.

"I expect you to be on your best behaviour tonight." Thorin's piercing blue eyes bore into him like he can read Kili's mind.

"Yes uncle," Kili mumbles.

"One more night isn't going to make a difference."

Kili isn't so sure about that. He exhales sharply through his nose when the image of Fili next to Nigug flashes before his eyes.

"Yeah, I guess," he huffs, staring at the carpet unseeingly. "It's just-"

"I know," Thorin says and when Kili looks at him his expression has softened in understanding. He claps Kili on the shoulder. "It'll be all right."

~

It's not. It's not all right at all. Kili's grip on the cutlery tightens until his knuckles turn white as he watches Nigug laugh at something his companions say, not sparing a single glance at the young dwarf huddled next to his chair like a dog. His hands are clasped behind his back, shoulders hunched and spine bent, oversized, tattered clothes hanging from his too thin frame. Bruises peek out from under the collar of his shirt. Kili's eyes follow the grotesque pattern of green and blue and yellow, stomach twisting and turning and threatening to expel what little he's managed to eat.

Putting the cutlery down Kili reaches for his goblet and takes a sip, never taking his eyes off Fili. He hopes that eventually the other dwarf is going to look over so he can give him a reassuring smile, conveying what he can't say out loud. But Fili doesn't look up, and even if he did, what reason would he have to trust Kili?

With a heavy sigh Kili puts his goblet down and leans back in his chair, feeling like he's suffocating. He's felt terrible about how he treated Fili when they were children, but it's nothing, nothing compared to the overwhelming fire of guilt that's consuming his insides as he's presented with the consequences of his childish cruelty and carelessness.

As he watches Fili starts to sway, body slowly tilting forward. Kili mimics the movement, leaning forward in his chair. Fili's close to toppling forward when Nigug's sharp laugh causes him to jerk back, eyes wide and panicked. He bites his bottom lip and looks around cautiously, only relaxing once he's sure that nobody's witnessed his slip-up. Kili's heart clenches painfully in his chest. He can't take another second of this, feeling helpless and guilty and faint.

"Excuse me," he mumbles to no one in particular as he stands up and flees the hall.

~

_"It was Fili's idea!" Kili screams, stomping his feet._

_Thrain raises an eyebrow and exchanges a long look with Thorin. He's holding the short sword Kili and Fili had been playing with. The sword Kili ordered Fili to steal from the armoury so they could play war "properly". His plans of play didn't involve accidentally cutting Fili's arm, nor a servant alerting his grandfather and uncle after hearing Fili cry out in pain. Now the afternoon is ruined and it's Fili's fault. As always._

_"Are you sure?" Thrain asks and Kili squirms under his grandfather’s gaze. His eyes flit to Fili, who's standing with his arm cradled to his chest. His tunic is stained with blood and his face with tears. Looking at him isn't much better, his blue eyes pleading with Kili, bottom lip wobbling. Kili feels anger burning through his veins. Fili is such a baby. He never wants to play war, and he's always timid and quiet and Kili always needs to order him to do things because Fili thinks most of his ideas aren't good. Which is ridiculous, Kili has the best ideas ever!_

_"Yes," Kili replies, chin jutting out defensively as he looks back at his grandfather. Something flashes in the blue eyes, something sad, but Kili doesn't pay too much attention to it. Next to him Thorin sighs. Why adults sigh so much is beyond Kili._

_"All right," Thrain says. "Thorin, take the boy to Oin to have his arm seen to, then straight to his room until his punishment is decided."_

_Thorin gives a curt nod and Kili can't help but smile because it worked. He's gotten off without punishment, as always. Fili really is the best present he's ever gotten._

_"Kili, back to your rooms, wash up before dinner."_

_"Yes, grandfather," Kili replies obediently, the very picture of innocence. As he turns to leave his eyes catch Fili's, who is looking at him with his stupid, wide eyes. As Kili watches the look of sadness turns to weariness as the face ages and bruises bloom on once rosy skin. When Fili's mouth opens no words come forth. Instead a stream of blood bubbles from his lips and chokes his scream.  
_

As Kili sits up in his bed, drenched in cold sweat and chest heaving, it takes him a few seconds to realise that the scream was his own.

~

Kili doesn’t get much sleep after that and hides in his room for the rest of the morning. Usually he’d go down to the archery range to take his mind off things, but he’s afraid he’ll miss news from Thorin if he goes. Instead he attempts to read (quickly abandoned), contemplates braiding his hair for tonight’s dinner (even quicker abandoned), and runs into the living room approximately twenty times, thinking he’s heard something.

After his mother threatens to tie him to a chair if he barges in one more time Kili slinks back to his room and flops down on the bed. How’s this morning so damn long? Closing his eyes he focuses on inhaling and exhaling slowly until his body relaxes.

The next thing he knows is being shaken awake.

“Hng,” Kili bats groggily at the hand on his shoulder. His mind feels sluggish and it’s difficult to pull out of sleep's embrace. This is why he hates taking naps. They make you feel worse in the end.

“Kili, your uncle is back.”

His mother’s words jump-start Kili’s brain and he scrambles out of bed and makes for the living room, ignoring the wave of dizziness causing him to stumble.

“And?” He asks as soon as he enters the living room, looking around wildly because maybe, maybe Thorin brought Fili back. To his disappointment the only person in the room is his uncle, sitting on the couch, smoking.

“And what?” Thorin asks, raising an eyebrow. Kili grits his teeth and silently counts to ten. It wouldn’t benefit his cause if he lost his temper now. His mother and Balin have been lecturing him on being patient and diplomatic for as long as he can remember. It’s something Kili’s been working on.

“And how was council?” he asks, forcing his lips into a pleasant smile.

“Long,” Thorin replies and blows a smoke ring.

“Uncle,” Kili groans, incapable of playing this charade any longer.

Thorin sighs and sinks further back into the couch. “I handed over a hefty amount of money because of you today.”

The words need a few seconds to sink in, Thorin looking so broody in juxtaposition to the feeling of joy blossoming in Kili’s stomach.

“Really? But, I mean, that’s good, isn’t it?” Kili asks, looking from Thorin to his mother and back. Why are they both looking so tense? “It means Dain agreed?”

“Dain agreed,” Dis says, keeping her face carefully blank. Is this about her not trusting him to be good to Fili this time? Because that’d be ridiculous. Things are different this time around.

“But?” Kili prompts. All this stalling around is making him nervous.

“But the deal isn’t official until tomorrow morning.”

“Why?”

“Because Nigug wasn’t ready to give up his favourite slave just like that.” The way Thorin’s lips curl in distaste makes it clear that the words are not his own. “Tonight Fili is still his.”

While it’s hardly great news in the end it’s one more night. Just one more night. It could be worse. It could most definitely be way worse.

Even in his mind the words sound stale as Kili tries to convince himself that this is only a small throwback.

“Right. But first thing tomorrow he’ll come back to us?”

“Aye,” Thorin nods.

“Good. Good. Everything’s going to be fine then?” Kili hates that the last part comes out as a question. He feels like a dwarfling of twenty, desperate for his mother’s and uncle’s approval.

“Of course, darling,” Dis’ smile is sad as she rubs Kili’s shoulder, like she knows something he doesn’t.

~

Kili’s stomach is roiling and he feels like he might pass out from nerves. He has a bad feeling about dinner tonight; a sense of terrible foreboding that he can’t shake no matter how many times he tells himself that it’ll be fine. One last night, then Fili is free from Nigug and Kili can start righting his wrongs.

Yet his feet refuse to move and he keeps on staring at his reflection in the mirror. The royal braids his mother put with painstaking accuracy in his hair do little to transform his overall appearance. While he’s lost the baby-fat on his body his face is still round, cheeks clinging stubbornly to their youthful fullness; his beard refuses to grow beyond a stubble. The braids help make him look more put together, but not more grown up. And he isn’t. Grown up, that is. Sure, he likes to pretend that he’s an adult, like his coming of age magically changed him, but the truth is that birthdays come and go and Kili doesn’t feel any different. Now, upon being so close to facing Fili again Kili feels especially young and foolish. The memories of all the horrible things he did as a child make him cringe.

With a last glance at his reflection Kili finally pushes away from the washbasin he’s been holding onto and leaves his room.

~  
 _Kili pushes the door open and tiptoes into the room, careful not to make a sound. It's dark inside, the only light streaming in through the open door, but Kili knows the room by heart, so he has no trouble navigating it._

_On the bed, Fili’s fast asleep, only a mop of blonde hair peeking out from under the blanket. Perfect._

_Pressing his lips together in concentration Kili makes for the small table wedged into the corner. On it lies a roll of parchment. Glancing over to the bed Kili makes sure that Fili is still asleep before he snatches it and tiptoes out of the room. The door only squeaks a little as he closes it and Kili grins to himself. He's the stealthiest of all dwarves!_

_He runs back to the safety of his own room before unrolling the scroll. The lines on the parchment are neat and straight, the runes copied down with much more care than Kili thinks homework deserves. It's perfect! Mister Balin is going to praise him for a task so well done and he didn't even have to lift a finger for it._

_Still grinning Kili snuggles down into his blanket and dozes off. It's still a few hours before mama is going to come and wake him up._

_~_

_"And where is your homework, laddie?"_

_Fili squirms and stares down at the floor, picking at the hem of his tunic. "I. . . I can't find it," he mumbles._

_Mister Balin raises his bushy eyebrows. "What do you mean, you can't find it?"_

_"I-" Fili bites his bottom lip and hangs his head._

_"I think what you mean is that you haven't done it," Mister Balin says, voice heavy with disappointment. Kili is so glad that this time it isn't aimed at him. Mister Balin's disappointed voice is horrible. It makes you feel guilty for days!_

_"But I have done it," Fili whispers, voice wobbly and eyes bright with tears._

_"If you'd done it you'd be able to hand it in now," Mister Balin points out. "This is the third time that you've failed to hand in an assignment, Fili. I have to say I'm very disappointed. I thought you wanted to learn?”_

_When Fili opens his mouth to protest Mister Balin raises a hand to silence him. "No, no excuses, Fili. I'll have to tell the King about this."_

_A few tears roll down Fili's eyes but he nods in acceptance. Kili almost feels bad, but then Mister Balin turns to look at him and smiles._

_"Kili, I have to say your handwriting has greatly improved. Good work, laddie."_

_Two days later Fili is not allowed to come to lessons with Kili anymore._

  
~

Fili focuses intently on a spot on the floor. All around him the dining hall is bristling with noise and activity. It feels too loud, too crowded, and like every pair of eyes is on him.

Nigug drops a chicken bone to the floor and licks his fingers with a satisfied hum. Fili stares at it, at the tiny flecks of meat still clinging to it, and his stomach clenches. He’s so hungry. Maybe if he’s good Nigug will let him have the leftovers once he’s eaten his share. Since the incident five years ago where Fili kept passing out until the healers declared him close to starvation Nigug mostly remembers to feed him; enough to sustain him, but never enough for Fili to feel truly sated.

“Well, boys, we have something special to celebrate tonight.” Nigug pushes his greasy fingers into Fili’s hair. This time Fili’s stomach clenches for entirely different reasons. Celebrations never mean anything good for him.

“Whazzat then?” Ibûn asks. “Found a pony that’s strong enough to carry yer fat arse back to the Iron Hills?”

The table erupts into laughter; Nigug’s fingers tighten in Fili’s hair, forcing his head back.

“Better,” he grins. “Gettin’ rid off this piece of shit and gettin’ quite the sum for it as well.”

Fili feels like somebody hit him with a warhammer.

“Come again?” Khîm says.

“What I’m saying is that King Thorin himself handed over quite a bit of gold to buy this one for his nephew.”

No. No, this can’t be happening. Fili swallows with difficulty, his head bent backward at an awkward angle under Nigug’s relentless grip.

“Did ‘e now?” Ibûn looks at Fili, tugging thoughtfully on his beard. “Well, can’t say I see what ‘e wants with that one. But good fer ye, Nigug. Even though I’m gonna miss the lil’ whore.”

“Better say your goodbyes tonight then,” Nigug laughs. “Gotta hand him over in the morrow.”

Fili stares up at the ceiling high above him. He’s given up praying; Mahal has forsaken him years ago. What has he done to deserve this?

Nigug finally lets go and Fili’s head drops forward. They don’t need to see the shine of tears in his eyes. It’ll only spurn them on.

“Now pet, don’t be sad.” Nigug pets Fili’s hair in a manner more suitable for a dog. “I promise you’ll get to suck my cock later. I know how much you love doing that.”

Fili presses his lips together tightly. After years of being treated like nothing but a piece of meat he should be used to this, yet his cheeks burn with shame.

“Then I’ll fuck you good. Give you a parting present you’ll be feeling for days.”

The others cheer loudly while Fili wishes a hole would open up in the ground and swallow him, save him from the humiliation.

Fili’s earlier wish comes true when Nigug hands him a plate that, for once, is full of actual food, not mere leftovers. Fili always has to pay dearly for such small acts of false kindness.

“Here, have a good meal. You gonna need your strength tonight.”

Fili finds that he’s not hungry anymore.

~

The food turns to dust in his mouth and Kili barely manages to swallow it. Across the hall Nigug and his friends break into another round of laughter. Kili can’t hear what they’re saying, but he can see the shine of tears in Fili’s eyes and the red tips of his ears.

When Nigug pushes his fingers into Fili’s hair and yanks his head back, rage flickers to life inside Kili with a force that almost causes him to break each and every piece of crockery that’s nearby. He wants to hiss and scream until Nigug takes his filthy hands off of Fili. He has no right, no right to treat him like this.

Except that he does. Until tomorrow morning he has every right to do as he pleases and Kili can’t do a damn thing about it.

Looking down at his plate Kili tries to calm his racing thoughts. He can’t do anything now, but come tomorrow he can help Fili. And come tomorrow he can find ways to make Nigug pay.

His plans for revenge only make Kili feel marginally better, especially when he’s hyper-aware of the laughter ringing out from across the hall, voices growing louder and rowdier.

“Kili.” Thorin’s deep voice pulls Kili from red-hazed fantasies in which Nigug falls down the side of the mountain.

“Uncle,” he replies, barely looking up. Hopefully his uncle isn’t intending to have a conversation with him. If there’s one thing Kili is incapable of right now it’s partaking in a conversation.

“I think you should retire for the night.”

“What?” Kili asks, finally looking up from his plate.

“Your uncle is right,” Dis murmurs, placing her hand over Kili’s; he’s still gripping his fork far too tightly. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. Part of him really wants to leave, escape from the hall as quickly as possible and not witness what is happening to Fili; another part of him feels like leaving equals abandoning Fili. Which is ridiculous because there is nothing he can _do_.

“I think it’d be better if you left.”

His mother’s voice is gentle; it brings Kili’s anger back full force.

“I’m not a dwarfling you can order around,” he hisses, pulling his hand away from hers.

“Then don’t behave like one.”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that.”

Great, now his mother and uncle are both having a go at him. Kili throws his cutlery down with a sneer and crosses his arms in front of his chest. His hands keep shaking even after he balls them into fists.

“Kili, back to your rooms.”

For a brief moment Kili entertains the idea of ignoring Thorin’s orders, but he’ll be in a lot of trouble if he causes a scene now.

“As you command, my king,” He sneers and stands. His chair scrapes loudly over the stone floor as he pushes it back with more force than necessary and departs without another word.

He keeps his eyes carefully averted as he hurries out of the hall. If he catches sight of Fili now he’ll storm over and punch Nigug in the face.

By the time Kili reaches his room his eyes are burning. He’s embarrassed for having been sent back to his room like a dwarfling.

Angry because he’s so helpless.

And most of all he’s scared, because he’s got no idea how to deal with this, realising for the first time how far beyond his comprehension it goes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick word on ages: I've used [this](http://axebow.lcwsites.net/archive/0/comparativeages.html) as my guideline, having dwarves come of age at 40. 
> 
> Comments are love and greatly appreciated :)


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry for the long wait! I had some troubles sorting everything out the way I wanted, and then I got really anxious about posting XD 
> 
> All the thanks to [an_odd_ducky](http://archiveofourown.org/users/an_odd_ducky) for being my writing buddy, helping me to sort out the plot and make this a million times better. <3

 

* * *

> _"Your grace is wasted in your face,_ _  
> _
> 
> _your boldness stands alone among the wreck."_

It’s the longest night of Kili’s life. He lies awake in the dark, stomach roiling and head spinning. He tries to keep his mind blank, tries to do breathing exercises, but nothing helps. His thoughts always stray back to Fili and the way he’d looked, like he was close to breaking point. One more night isn’t that long, but what if it’s the grain tipping the scale? Does Fili even know it’s his last night with Nigug? Is he happy about it? After all it was Kili’s fault that Fili got sold. It’s because of Kili that Fili had to endure so much. Mahal. What is Kili even going to _say_ to him tomorrow morning?

Kili groans and rolls over, burying his face in his pillow. He’s sick with nerves and by the time dawn finally comes his body is shaking with exhaustion and nerves.

~  
 _  
“Kili.”_

_Kili looks up from arranging wood blocks into a stable for his toy horses. It’s boring to play alone, but mama had sent Fili straight to bed when he’d gotten back from Oin, and uncle Frerin is busy. He holds one of the horses out expectantly to uncle Thorin, who shakes his head and beckons Kili over to the settee._

_“But uncle,” Kili whines. He wants to play. Sitting down on the settee means a lecture and uncle Thorin’s lectures are long and boring, especially when uncle Frerin isn’t there to pull faces behind his back, like he did earlier when mama yelled at Kili about the sword accident._

_The look uncle Thorin gives him makes it clear that Kili has no leverage today, pouting and whining getting him nowhere. Kili still pushes his bottom lip out as he gets to his feet and trudges over to the settee. Uncle Thorin lifts him into his lap and Kili curls up, tapping the head of the toy horse morosely against his uncle’s chest and tracing the designs on his tunic with it._

_“You really hurt Fili today.”_

_Kili’s pout intensifies and he knocks the horse harder against his uncle’s chest._

_“Kili, look at me.” Uncle Thorin takes his horse away. With his hands empty Kili starts pulling on the fur lining his uncle’s coat, refusing to look up. He hates it when uncle Thorin is disappointed with him. It makes him feel heavy, like there’s an anvil on his shoulders._

_“It was Fili’s fault,” he mumbles sullenly when the silence becomes uncomfortable. His uncle’s arm tightens around his waist._

_“It was you who cut him, was it not?”_

_Kili huffs and pulls more viciously on the fur. One of his uncle’s large hands closes over both of his, keeping him still. When he finally looks up uncle Thorin looks angry, his eyes dark and mouth twisted. Kili swallows and quickly looks away._

_“You could have taken his arm off, Kili.”_

_Kili puffs his cheeks out but doesn’t say anything. That’s stupid, why would he cut Fili’s arm off?_

_“You do not know how to handle a sword and what you did was dangerous. Even graver, your hurt someone you should protect.”_

_“Why would I protect Fili?” Kili asks, furrowing his brows. Can’t Fili look after himself?_

_“Because he’s your friend, and friends look out for each other.”_

_Kili contemplates that for a moment. “Like you and uncle Frerin?” He finally asks. When he looks up again his uncle’s expression has softened. He lets go off Kili’s hand and runs his fingers through Kili’s hair instead, combing out a few tangles._

_“Yes. Your uncle Frerin and I are brothers and friends.”_

_“So brother’s look out for each other too?”_

_“Aye. Brothers also look out for their sisters. You know who my sister is?”_

_“My mama!”_

_“Correct. You wouldn’t want me to cut your mama with a sword, would you?”_

_“No.” Kili pounds his little fist against Thorin’s chest because the very idea of his mama getting hurt is really, really upsetting._

_“See. That’s why you should look after Fili, not be mean to him.”_

_“Like he’s my brother?” Kili asks, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. He always wanted a brother and Fili is really nice. Except for when he doesn’t want to do things because he’s scared.  
But Kili supposes that’s alright, he’ll just have to teach Fili not to be scared. He doesn’t want to be a meanie either. Ori and him don’t like meanies, they established that ages ago. _

_“Aye, like that if you want to.”_

_“Okay,” Kili nods and leans his head against his uncle’s chest._

_“Good. Will you go apologise to him tomorrow morning?”_

_“Yes,” Kili nods. “I didn’t want to make Fili sad. Honest,” he adds in a whisper, curling into his uncle._

_“I know, little one. You tell Fili that tomorrow and things will be fine.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“I promise.”_

_His uncle Thorin is always right, so his words make Kili feel a little lighter._

_“Can we play horse now?” Kili asks, peering up._

_“If you insist.” Uncle Thorin smiles and Kili beams right back and scrambles to stand up._

_“You’re the horse, uncle Thorin!” He ignores his uncle’s groan and crawls onto his back. “Get up, horsie!”  
_

~

Breakfast is a quiet affair, taken in the family room of the royal quarters. Kili pushes his food around on his plate without touching any of it, while his mother and Thorin make forced small talk. Kili’s hands tremble, causing his fork to clatter against his plate, so he drops it and crosses his arms in front of his chest, hands tucked into his armpits. His mother and uncle both glance his way but thankfully don’t comment on it.

Once the servants have cleaned the breakfast plates away an uneasy silence settles over the room. His uncle digs out his pipe and for a moment Kili considers doing the same, if only to give his hands something to do, but the thought of smoking makes his stomach roll. Besides, his mother would most likely complain, and Kili has no patience for that right now.

“So are you going to show Fili around later?” His mother asks. Kili looks at her like she’s spoken Elvish. Damnit, the mere thought of _meeting_ Fili has him so nervous that he hasn’t even considered what to do for the rest of the day.

“Good, you can stop by the tailor’s then. That boy needs some good, new clothes.”

Kili is immensely grateful that his mother approaches every situation with the precision and rationality of a war-strategist. At the same time he feels terribly stupid because he wouldn’t have thought about things like clothes. Has he always been this inconsiderate?

“I’ll have the servants draw a bath once he’s here,” his mother continues. “And I’ll have his old room prepared while you two are out. Ask him what he likes to eat, then we can have something brought up from the kitchens tonight. I think it would be better if you didn’t take him to the feast.”

How his mother manages to think about all these things is beyond Kili; he’d completely forgotten about the farewell fest.

“Do I have to go?” Kili asks, even though he already knows the answer. Still, he widens his eyes and pushes his bottom lip out a little, a tactic from childhood he’s still not outgrown. He sees no reason to outgrow it either, because seven out of ten times it works.

Thorin and his mother both sigh and Kili’s shoulders drop. Looks like it’s one of the three times it doesn’t work. Not his lucky day.

“You’re a prince of Erebor,” Thorin huffs around the stem of his pipe.

“Yes, yes I know. Sorry,” Kili mumbles before his uncle can launch into a speech about duty and responsibility.

“We’ll all be glad to see the backs of that Iron Hill lot,” Dis mutters, causing Thorin to chuckle.

Before Kili can contribute his own proclamations of dislike for the Iron Hill delegation, there’s a knock on the door.

~

Fili’s in a world of pain. Every move he makes causes agony to rip through him. Every coherent thought is lost in the red, hot, pulsing haze clouding his mind. He stumbles along as he’s pulled through corridors, but he doesn’t know where they’re going. He doesn’t know anything. He can make out nothing more than vague shapes, his vision swimming, and his legs threaten to give out more than once, causing the iron grip on his bicep to tighten as he’s hauled along. His right arm swings limp and useless at his side. The stone floor is cold beneath his bare feet and Fili wishes he could lie down. Maybe the stone will soak the terrible heat from his body.

Around him the world is spinning and there’s wetness between his legs he doesn’t want to comprehend or think about. His body moves sluggishly, like his blood is too thick and heavy. Fili licks his cracked lips, flecks of dried blood sticking to his tongue, and wishes somebody would give him something to drink. He’s parched. They made him drink boiled poppy buds somewhen during the night, the drug clouding his mind and making him even thirstier.

In his current state it’s difficult to distinguish between reality and imagination. Maybe he should be grateful, but losing control like this, being incapable of comprehending what is going on, scares him like nothing else It makes it impossible to distinguish the voices and faces around him, and at times he’s not sure if there’s a pair of hands on him or ten. He wants to scream.

“Get a move on, will ya? I got better things to do than drag you around,” Makesh hisses in his ear and yanks on Fili’s arm. Fili squeezes his eyes shut as the world tilts and turns violently. His stomach is cramping and he wants to double over, but Makesh keeps him firmly upright.

“Mahal, you’re pathetic,” he grunts. The words barely reach Fili. He’s been called much worse; last night and his whole life.

When they finally come to a halt Fili sways and almost topples over. He really, really wants to lie down.

There are voices around him, voices he doesn’t recognise, and then he’s pushed forward. Without Makesh’ support Fili stumbles and the floor comes rushing towards him. He cries out when he lands on his arm and white hot pain explodes through his body. When darkness tries to claim him he readily throws himself into its embrace.

~

Kili’s blood is boiling and he wants to scratch and claw and destroy.

“I’ll kill him!”

“Kili.”

“I’ll rip his bloody head off!”

“Kili!”

Kili whirls around and glares at his mother and uncle, throwing his anger at them simply because they happen to be right in front of him.

“You need to do something about this!”

“Kili, stop yelling!”

“If I were king I’d gut him and hang him from the mountain for all to see!”

“But you are not king!” Thorin bellows and Kili stops his rant. His uncle rarely raises his voice, but when he does it makes the bravest of dwarves nervous.

Kili breathes hard through his nose and digs his nails into his palms, relishing the small stabs of pain.

“What do you think your yelling is going to achieve?” Thorin asks, blue eyes trained on Kili. “Do not think that I won’t punish you like a dwarfling if you insist on behaving like one.”

Kili opens his mouth but his mother steps forward before he can give a snotty reply.

“Kili, stop it. You’re not helping.”

That’s the entire problem, isn’t it? He can’t help, but he can tear Nigug to pieces. That’d help tremendously with his anger.

Kili presses his lips together to prevent himself from saying something he’ll later regret. Seeing Fili so broken, delivered like a piece of meat, has awoken a terrible anger he didn’t think himself capable of.

“Do you think your raging is going to help Fili?” His mother inquires and Kili silently shakes his head.

“Good,” Dis huffs.

“But mama,” Kili looks at her, for a second wishing that he was, in fact, a dwarfling and she could hug all his pain away. “Did you see him?”

Her expression softens and she takes one of Kili’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Oin is with him, so he’s getting the best possible care.”

Kili swallows hard and nods, starting to feel stupid for his outbreak.

“Do you think he’ll be all right?”

“Dwarves are sturdy.” Thorin’s voice is back to normal, the deep tones comforting. “He’ll pull through.”

“Besides, he’s got us now,” Dis adds and smiles. Kili can’t bring himself to smile back just yet, but his heart is not threatening to smash his ribs into pieces anymore.

“I have to go to council. You’ll send word when there’s news?” Kili nods and his uncle claps his shoulder.

The door closes with a heavy thud behind him and Kili and his mother stand in silence for a few seconds.

“I’ll make some tea,” Dis says and gives Kili a little push towards the settee. “You go sit down.”

Kili stumbles forward and flops down gracelessly, bringing his hand up and gnawing on the hangnail on his thumb, eyes trained on the door to his rooms. Now that he’s calmed down the events of the morning are muddled in Kili’s mind, flashes of vivid images overlaid with rage.

He sighs and and shakes his head, like that is going to rid him off the painful memories. All he can do for the moment is wait and hope that Oin finishes soon.

~  
 _  
“But I want to play dragontamer!” Kili stomps his feet and crosses his arms like he’s seen adults do. Fili still doesn’t get up from the settee and curls up even more._

_“‘m not feeling so good,” he mumbles. “Can’t we play tomorrow?”_

_“No,” Kili huffs. He doesn’t want to play tomorrow, he wants to play _now_. _

_“Don’t be such a big baby.” He starts poking Fili’s side, causing the other dwarfling to groan and try to scoot away._

_“Kili, stop!” Fili whines, only causing Kili to stab him in the side with his finger with even more force._

_“No. Get up and come play!”_

_Fili bats Kili’s hand away and slowly sits up. He’s squinting and it looks like he’s sweating. It’s not _that_ warm, the fire in the hearth hasn’t even been lit yet. _

_“C’mon, it’ll be cooler outside.” Kili takes Fili’s hand and pulls him from the settee. Fili groans again but follows, stumbling as he tries to keep up with Kili’s tempo._

~

It feels like Kili’s sitting on needles. Oin has been with Fili for ages now and that can’t mean anything good, can it? His leg bounces in a nervous rhythm and the skin around his nails is bloody and raw. The tea his mother brought has gone cold. When the door to his rooms finally cracks open Kili jumps to his feet so fast he almost trips over the table in front of the settee. His mother grabs the back of his shirt and once he’s found his balance she stands with far more grace.

Oin shuffles out and closes the door behind him carefully, his face not giving anything away.

“How is he?”

Oin’s eyes flick to Kili, then to Dis.

“I’m not leaving,” Kili says before anyone can suggest it. Oin looks like he’s going to protest but only sighs in the end.

“They did quite a number on him.”

“They?” Kili asks. Surely he’s misheard Oin.

“Aye,” the old dwarf nods. “Don’t think t’was one person alone.”

Cold dread is curling in Kili’s stomach.

“So? How bad is it?” Dis asks, never one for beating around the bush.

“Bad.” The same as Oin is never one to sugarcoat things. “Lots of bruising, old and new. Dislocated his right shoulder. Quite a bit of bleeding and tearing. Drugged him too, my guess is poppy  
buds. It’s gonna take a while for that to be out of his system.”

Kili tries to comprehend everything Oin’s saying. He hadn’t seen any blood on Fili, so why. . . oh. Kili feels like somebody has dropped a bucket of ice cold water over his head. Things. . . things like this happen in stories that are told in hushed tones, not to people Kili knows; not to people he cares about.

“He needs rest and lots of fluids, he’s quite dehydrated as well. Light food for the first few days, until his stomach gets used to it. I’ll check up on him tonight. Best he can do for now is sleep it off.”

Dis leads Oin to the door but Kili doesn’t hear another word they say. He walks towards the door to his apartment, torn between running to Fili’s side and running away. He doesn’t know how to deal with this.

Kili exhales shakily before he pushes the door open and peers into the room.

~

_“Fee?” Kili shuffles into the room, trying to be quiet. Mama had forbidden him from seeing Fili because he might get sick as well. Which is stupid, really. Kili can’t not see Fili. Measuring his steps, tongue poking out between his teeth he carefully carries a basin of water to Fili’s bedside, but ends up spilling most of it anyway. He places the basin on the mattress before he crawls onto the bed himself, wobbling slightly._

_“Fee,” he whispers again and this time he gets a response. Fili groans and squints up at Kili from where he’s curled up under the blankets._

_“Hngh.”_

_Kili scoots closer and pats Fili’s head comfortingly._

_“Fee I’m really sorry. I didn’t want you to get sick,” he whispers. Fili is breathing louder than usual and his hair is damp under Kili’s fingers. “I really didn’t,” he adds for emphasis. Kili feels bad, especially when Fili coughs. It sounds painful._

_“I know,” Fili mumbles and gives Kili a tiny smile._

_Kili smiles back and leans over to kiss Fili’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I’m going to look after you now and make you feel better in no time!”_

_He reaches for the facecloth he put in the water earlier and wrings it out before patting Fili’s face with it like mama does when Kili is sick. There’s still too much water in it though and droplets of it run down Fili’s face and neck. Kili frowns and uses the sleeve of his tunic to pat Fili’s face dry again._

_“Do you want some tea?”_

_“Mh-mh,” Fili shakes his head._

_“I could sing to you?” Kili offers, going through all the things that he likes his mama to do when he’s sick._

_Fili groans. “Your singing is terrible.”_

_“No it’s not,” Kili protests. He has a lovely voice, mama said so! Although, if he thinks about it, all the adults always pull funny faces when he sings._

_“You could tell me a story instead?” Fili asks, peering up at Kili. “You’re good at telling stories.”_

_Kili beams and shuffles around on the bed until he’s sitting agains the headboard, one hand still patting Fili’s hair._

_“There once was a prince named Fili. He had golden hair and a golden bed and a golden pony.”_

~

Fili looks small and pale in Kili’s bed, almost disappearing between the royal blue sheets and pillows. He’s curled up on his side and Kili stands and watches him for a while. He would look peaceful, if it weren’t for the occasional moans and twitches of discomfort and pain.

“Fili?” Kili asks once he’s worked up the courage to tentatively approach. Fili curls more into himself. Up-close he looks worse than Kili remembers. The shadows beneath his eyes are almost purple and his skin looks paper-thin, pulled too taut over sharp cheekbones. His chapped lips are crusted with blood, like he’s bitten down on his bottom lip violently. His golden hair barely falls past his chin and his beard is kept short.

Kili reaches out and gently pushes a strand of hair away from Fili’s sweaty forehead. Fili whimpers and presses back into the pillows. Kili snatches his hand back like he’s been burnt. For a few seconds he stands, unsure what to do now, before he mentally kicks himself. He needs to get over himself already and start doing something useful. This isn’t the time to be shy. Not when he’s never been shy in his life before.

“Fili, hey,” Kili crouches down next to the bed so he’s eye level with Fili and not towering over him. “It’s allright, you’re safe now.” He reaches out again, slowly placing his hand over Fili’s where it’s twisted into the pillow next to his face.

“Fili, can you hear me?”

Fili inhales sharply and groans before his eyes blink open. They’re glazed over, pupils impossibly wide, leaving only a small ring of blue. Kili does his best to smile and appear calm even though he feels anything but.

“Hey,” he murmurs again, not moving his hand and giving Fili a chance to assess the situation. Judging by the way he blinks it seems he has trouble focusing and can’t assess anything at the moment. At least he’s not pulling away from Kili.

“Do you need anything?”

That seems to get Fili’s attention and his eyes flick in Kili’s direction. He furrows his brows and licks his lips but doesn’t say anything.

“You can tell me. Anything at all, I’ll get it for you,” Kili encourages and this time Fili’s lips move, but he doesn’t manage more than a raspy sound.

“What was that?” Kili asks, trying to get Fili to loosen his grip on the pillow.

“Water?” Fili’s voice breaks but his eyes stay on Kili, wide and pleading like he fully expects to be denied his simple request.

“Of course.” Kili gently squeezes his hand, smiling through his anger and heartbreak as he stands and pours a glass of water from the carafe on the nightstand.

“I’m gonna help you sit up a little,” Kili warns, not wanting to touch Fili without making his intent clear first. Fili still flinches when Kili puts his hand on the back of his neck. There’s no way to avoid the hand-shaped bruises, so Kili tries his best to keep his touch light.

“Just gotta lift up a little,” Kili murmurs, guiding Fili up before placing the rim of the glass against his lips. They end up spilling some water, but Fili drinks his share, eyes fluttering closed like it’ss the best thing he’s ever tasted.

“Anything else?” Kili ask once Fili’s head is resting on the pillow again. Fili only hums in reply, probably too far gone to comprehend what Kili’s saying.

Kili puts the glass back on the nightstand with slow movements, then contemplates pulling up a chair next to the bed. There’s nothing more he can do at the moment but wait and be here when Fili wakes up.

A creak at the door informs Kili of another person entering and he looks up to meet the worried gaze of his mother. His hands start shaking.

“How’s he?” Dis asks as she walks over. Instead of answering Kili hugs her and hides his face in her neck. He doesn’t cry, but he holds onto her tightly, the calm facade he put on for Fili’s sake shattering.

~

Fili remains mostly unconscious for the rest of the day. Dis makes him drink a few sips every hour to combat the dehydration and effects of the poppy buds. Next to her Kili is a jittery mess, bouncing his legs, shifting in his chair and biting his nails. She ends up sending him to the kitchens to fetch food for them and tea for Fili. He grumbles but complies when she sends him a sharp look.

As soon as he leaves the room loses some of the nervous energy and Dis’ shoulders sag in a sigh. She’d always hoped that they’d find Fili again. Despite all the mischief caused, he and Kili had been best friends; she had always thought he would be a good influence on her wild little dwarfling. But Thrain had succumbed more and more to the goldsickness, treating Fili unfairly no matter how often herself or Thorin and Frerin tried to interfere. He sold Fili after what must’ve been the stupidest stunt Kili ever pulled. Before they could find out who he’d been sold to, the Battle of Azanulbizar had taken the lives of her father and brother. Finding the little slave boy had been the least of her concerns then. Now Dis wishes she had paid a little less attention to the dead she couldn’t save, and remembered the living. She could’ve spared Fili the fate he suffered, had she been a little less selfish.

Taking the facecloth from the bowl of water she wrings it out and wipes Fili’s face. His skin is clammy and hot and his eyes move restlessly behind his eyelids. She doesn’t know much about poppy buds, growing up shielded from the parts of the mountain where such substances are consumed. Oin hasn’t been able to tell her much either, not knowing how high a dose Fili had been given. All they can do is wait for the drugs to leave Fili’s system.

Fili makes a small sound in the back of his throat and leans into her touch. Dis places the wet cloth on his forehead, smiling sadly.

“It’s all right, sweetling.” She wants to stroke his hair like she did when he and Kili were little, but Fili hasn’t responded well to being touched. He flinches and whimpers, only tolerating the wet facecloth on his face because it brings relief.

He’s so tall now. Dis suspects he would’ve grown into a fine dwarf under the right care. She can see him as he should’ve been, sturdy like the mountain and proud like a lion. As it is he’s too thin, making himself too small, reminding her more of a scared and wounded cub. He’d been a shy child, painfully polite and eager to please, but with a spark that’d shimmer through every now and again. Dis hopes that spark hasn’t been lost completely.

~  
 _  
Fili still looks a little pale, arm wrapped in gauze and held against his chest. He doesn’t meet her eyes when she walks over to his bed and sits down on the edge._

_“How’re you feeling?”_

_“I’m fine,” he mumbles, eyes fixed on his knees._

_“I brought you dinner.”_

_At that his eyes flicker up, wide and surprised._

_“But. . . but King Thrain said-“_

_Dis waves him off. “Don’t you worry about that. Sometimes my father can be a little. . . unreasonable.” She gives him a reassuring smile._

_“Go on, sit up properly before it goes cold.”_

_Once the tray is securely settled over Fili’s lap he starts to eat, clumsily using his left hand. Dis refrains from offering her help. Where Kili shakes things off and continues on his merry way without a second thought, Fili overthinks even the smallest of things._

_“Does your arm still hurt?”_

_“Master Oin said the cut wasn’t too deep.” Fili focuses all his attention on bringing his spoon from the bowl to his mouth without spilling, slurping his soup with a happy noise. He always takes things in a stride, but he also avoids giving answers that might inconvenience anyone._

_“Fili, that’s not what I asked.”_

_He pauses and peers up at her, biting his bottom lip._

_“It does hurt a little. But it’s not too bad,” he adds hastily before stuffing his spoon back into his mouth._

_Dis nods and pushes a strand of hair back behind his ear when it’s in danger of ending up in his mouth along with his food._

_“That’s what I thought. I’ll bring you some tea later to help with the pain and aid your sleep.”_

_She knows Kili didn’t mean to hurt Fili, but she can’t help feeling unsettled by it. Her son is so much like Frerin; rash in actions and words. She loves them both dearly, but she has witnessed the trouble Frerin has landed himself in time and time again. More than once she’s been the one hurt by his temperament. He’s second in line, with all the comforts of a prince, but none of the responsibilities of an heir. He’s not burdened by duty like Thorin and Dis. Not that Dis would want her little wildling to go through the rigorous training Thorin has been put through, nor her own ordeal of having to marry too young. But she wants him to see the world for what it is, not for the carnival Frerin makes it out to be._

_When Fili has finished his meal she takes the tray from him and presses a kiss to his forehead._

_“Rest a little. I’ll be back later.”_

~

Fili’s dreaming. It must be a dream because he’s in a soft bed and there’s a gentle voice speaking to him. He hasn’t been allowed to sleep in a bed in years, always pushed out of Nigug’s as soon as he was not needed anymore. He’s used to shivering through the night on stone floors or a bedding of hay in the corner.

It feels so nice, being surrounded by softness. There are still aches and pains on the edge of his consciousness, and he knows they’ll slam back into him the moment he wakes, but for now he’s content. He dreams of fresh water and soothing coolness, of gentle voices washing over him. He thinks he recognises one of them.

“Amad?”

Fili would’ve never called her that to her face, but in his mind it was the only name he would give her. He never had a mother before her, growing up in an orphanage, being handed over to slavers when he became too old and there were too many hungry mouths to feed. She’d always been kind and he’d played make belief.

Right now it feels like he’s a dwarfling again, sick with the flu and tucked safely into bed. Images from back then swim before his inner eye and Fili lets himself drift, floating between memories and dreams, weightless for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Click](http://kopperblaze.tumblr.com/) if you wanna add me on Tumblr :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nidoyith - the boy that is young

_But it was not your fault but mine_

Waking up is like leaving a tomb. A comfortable tomb, where there is nothing but darkness and warmth. As he’s pulled from the comforting embrace of the dark void, the aches and pains return.

Fili groans and blinks. The faint light of the candles hurts his eyes and causes his headache to explode. He closes his eyes and focuses on breathing through the pian. Everything hurts, his body one giant, raw, pulsing mess. He’s been hurt a lot in his life, endured pain and humiliation, but he’s never felt as terrible as he does right now.

His body feels heavy but his head feels light, like his brain has liquified. He’s uncomfortable but he can’t summon the strength to move. His tongue is heavy in his parched mouth.

All Fili wants to do is go back to sleep, but it’s not an option. He needs to wake up, he needs to get up and go about his chores, or there’ll be more pain waiting for him. If there’s one thing Fili knows for certain it’s that he’s reached his limit.

He forces his eyes open again and shifts. The ceiling is unfamiliar. So is the bed he’s lying in. Fili’s eyes widen and his heartbeat quickens. Why is he lying in a bed? Was his master to drunk to kick him out last night?

Whatever it is, it’s not good and Fili needs to get up. He can’t be caught, or there’ll be hell to pay.

Digging his elbows into the mattress Fili pushes himself up. Blinding pain shoots up his spine and he can’t hold back a scream of pain. He can hear his blood rushing in his ears. Surely the noise has alerted his master. There is no way he’s getting out of this without punishment.

The door opens and Fili squeezes his eyes shut, trying to coax his lungs to work through the panic. He’s in so much pain already and this, this is how he’s going to die. After all these years he’s going to die like an animal, beaten to death. There’ll be no place in Mahal’s halls for him, but at least he’ll be put out of the misery of his mortal life.

“Fili! You’re awake!”

He doesn’t recognise the voice. Maybe it’s one of his master’s friends. The bed dips next to him and Fili tries to relax. It always hurts less when he’s relaxed. Bones break easier and skin bruises more if you’re tense. Fili learnt that lesson the hard way.

“Fili?” There’re hands on his face and Fili feels like he’s shaking apart. There’s not enough air and he’s starting to feel really light-headed, the rushing of blood in his ears getting louder and  
louder.

“Fili, Fili it’s okay. You’re safe.”

If he didn’t feel so terrible, Fili would laugh. He’s heard promises of safety before and they’re never true. Never. He won’t fall for that cruel game.

“Do you want some water?”

He does, he really really does. Still, Fili shakes his head. If he says yes he’ll probably get a cold bucket of water emptied over his head. It’s all part of the game, but Fili knows the rules by now.

“I think you should lie down again.”

There are hands on his shoulders, pushing, but Fili can’t bring himself to move. He sits rigid like a statue. His lungs won’t work. He can’t breathe.

“Fili.” Fingers push into his hair. He half expects nails to dig into his scalp, but they only apply minimal pressure, don’t twist and pull on his hair.

“Fili, look at me.”

It’s a command and Fili can’t disobey. If he does he’ll get punished.

The world swims into focus, but it tilts and lurches. The hands on either side of his face guide his head until he’s looking into brown eyes. They’re warm and lack the glint of malice Fili is used to seeing.

“Fili, it’s all right. You’re safe.”

Fili draws in a shuddering breath. His lungs hurt.

“It’s me, Kili. Do you remember me?”

He remembers Kili, but Kili was a boy in another life.

“It’s all right, you don’t have to think about it now. Here.”

Something cool is pressed to his lips and Fili tentatively takes a sip. It’s water. Nice, clean, cool water. He drinks until there’s no more.

“Lie back down again.”

This time he gives into the pressure and lies back, gasping as the pain flares back to life with the movement. A cool, wet cloth is placed on his forehead and Fili wants to weep.

“Go back to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

Fili easily falls back into darkness.

~

_  
“When was the last time somebody combed your hair?”_

_Nidoyith pulls his shoulders up and shrugs. “Dunno. I’m sorry, Master Dori.” he whispers and pulls the towel he’s been given tighter around himself._

_“Nay, don’t worry, laddie. It’s hardly your fault.” Master Dori continues to run a comb through his hair, only tugging and pulling a little to get the knots out. Nidoyith doesn’t have to hold back tears and painful sobs._

_Once Master Dori is done combing he starts tugging on strands of Nidoyith’s hair._

_“What. . . what are you doing?” Nidoyith dares to ask, heart beating wildly in his chest. Even though Master Dori has been really friendly Nidoyith isn’t sure if he’s allowed to ask questions._

_“I’m braiding your hair, as is proper. Has nobody braided your hair before?”_

_Nidoyith shakes his head slightly, careful not to disturb Master Dori in his work._

_“I’m sure Princess Dis will be happy to teach you. It’s an important skill for dwarves. You should always wear your braids with pride.”_

_Nidoyith has never had anything to wear with pride before. How does one do that?_

_“There we go.” Master Dori finishes and claps Nidoyith’s shoulder. “Put on your new clothes and then you’re good to go, lad.”_

_Nidoyith is handed a bundle of clothes and he’s sure that it must be a mistake._

_“Master. . . Master Dori?”_

_“Yes, dear?”_

_“Are you sure these are for me?” Nidoyith asks, biting his bottom lip. The clothes in his hands look new and expensive. Nidoyith only ever gets hand-me-downs, so Master Dori must’ve made a mistake._

_“Yes, very sure. Why wouldn’t they be?”_

_Nidoyith shuffles his feet and looks down at the stone floor._

_“Now, now.”_

_Hands gently lift his chin and Nidoyith has no choice but to look at Master Dori, who’s kneeling in front of him and smiling kindly. “These clothes are for you. The princess herself picked them,  
for you are to be her son’s companion. You’ll have it good here, I promise you.” _

_Nidoyith studies the dwarf in front of him, searching for traces of dishonesty or malice. When he finds none, he nods._

_“Good lad. Now put them on, let’s see how they fit.”_

_The clothes are a little big on Nidoyith, but Master Dori assures him that once he’s gained weight they’ll fit perfectly. Gaining weight means that there’ll be food. Nidoyith’s stomach does a happy little dance at the thought._

_The clothes are warm and soft, the fabric finer than anything Nidoyith’s ever touched, and far form the scratchy wool of his old tunic. There’s also stitching on them that he examines carefully, running his fingers over the decorations. Master Dori watches but doesn’t scold him for it._

_“You look very nice in green. Come now, it’s time we get you settled in your new home and have you meet everybody.”_

_Nidoyith takes Master Dori’s hand and squeezes. There’s a ball of happiness inside of him that makes him want to giggle. He’s been allowed to bathe in sweet smelling, hot water. His hair has been combed without pain and he’s got a set of new clothes that are just for him. He hopes he’ll stay in Erebor for a long, long time._

  
~

Kili focuses on his plate for the entire meal, ignoring everyone around him. He hadn’t wanted to attend, but Thorin had all but dragged him from Fili’s bedside. Ori is staying with Fili, which is only a small comfort.

Usually Kili enjoys feasts, indulging in the drinking and singing more than his mother likes. Tonight he keeps quiet, finishing his meal quickly and barely tasting the ale he sips, mind preoccupied with thoughts of Fili.

Kili huffs and sinks back in his chair. He sits for five minutes and stares at the table, then squirms. His clothes are really uncomfortable and his circlet is giving him a headache. His mother shoots him a bemused look and Kili bites his lips so he won’t stick his tongue out at her. He twists the ring on his finger, pressing his thumbnail into the lines of his sigil engraved in the metal.  
The noise in the hall increases as people start to sing. It’s only a matter of time before chaos takes over.

Kili looks up hopefully. “Uncle?”

Thorin sighs but inclines his head.

“You may be excused. But-“ he adds when Kili is already halfway out of his chair. “Dwalin is going to accompany you back.”

Kili pulls a face, but he knows better than to argue. He kisses his mother’s cheek and inclines his head in his uncle’s direction before leaving, slipping out of the hall without anybody holding him up, Dwalin on his heels.

“Your highness!”

Kili’s made it barely ten metres from the hall when a voice stops him. Turning around he comes face to face with a smiling Nigug and his stomach flips.

“My apologies, I hope you’re not in a hurry.”

There’s a glint in the other dwarf’s eyes that sends a shiver down Kili’s spine.

“Did you not enjoy the feast?”

Kili grits his teeth, Thorin’s voice ringing through his mind. _Don’t get yourself into trouble. Don’t let him get to you._

“Or are you just eager to get back to your new pet?” Nigug laughs. The hairs on the back of Kili’s neck stand up.

“I’m sure you’ve found that I trained him up well for you,” Nigug grins, displaying a row of yellow teeth. Dwalin takes a step closer to Kili, arms crossed in front of his chest. Kili presses his lips together and breathes harshly through his nose.

“He was a bit feisty in the beginning, but I beat that out of him quickly. He comes to you as a perfect slave. Saved you a lot of trouble. It’s easier to start off with a well-trained slave, trust me.”

The rushing in Kili’s ears is getting louder and louder by the second. He should turn away and leave, but his feet are rooted to the floor.

“Was time I sold him anyway. I’m eager for a new challenge,” his grin widens and he has the audacity to wink at Kili, “and a tighter hole.”

Kili’s fist connects with Nigug’s face and there’s a satisfying _crack_ as bones break. He isn’t aware of his own momentum as he presses the other dwarf against the wall, anger unleashing strength. He finds strange satisfaction in the way Nigug chokes as he presses his forearm harder against his throat.

“One more word and I’ll rip you to shreds,” Kili hisses. He wants to do damage, wants to sew that poisonous mouth shut with steel. But the rational part of him that isn’t clouded with anger holds him back. He can’t beat Nigug into a bloody pulp like he wants to, but he can issue a warning.

Blood streams from Nigug’s nose and drips into his mouth as he struggles for breath.

“You’ll not speak of him ever again. If I see you so much as looking at him I’ll spill your insides out. Do you understand me?”

Nigug nods. Kili keeps him pressed against the wall a few moments longer before he steps back. Nigug sags against the wall, sucking in lungfuls of air. When he looks up his eyes shine with anger and malice. By the twitch of his lips he still thinks he’s got the upper hand.

“Guard! Guard, help me! He’s threatening me, don’t you see?”

Dwalin, still standing with his arms crossed, shoots a disinterested glance in Nigug’s direction. “I ain’t seen nothing,” he shrugs. When Nigug opens his mouth again he steps closer, using his bulky frame to his full advantage.

“Though, if ye push it, I’ll go right back into the hall and tell the court how ye threatened Erebor’s crown prince.”  
Nigug snaps his mouth shut.

“Thought so,” Dwalin snorts and turns around. “Let’s go. The air’s foul here.”

Kili shoots a lost glare at Nigug before he turns and stomps back to his chambers.

~

Fili is still asleep, and according to Ori hasn’t stirred at all. Kili thanks his friend before dismissing him. When the door closes behind him Kili stands in the middle of the room and just breathes for a few minutes. He only approaches Fili’s bed once he feels calmer.

“Hey,” he mumbles and sits down in the chair by the bed. Fili remains still. His face is flushed but his breathing even and deep. He’s almost Kili’s age, only two years older, yet their lives have panned out so differently. Kili feels innocent next to him, shielded from the world. Not even in his wildest nightmares can he imagine going through what Fili has gone through.

Kili reaches out and carefully, like it’s made of glass, takes Fili’s hand.

“I’m sorry.” It’s not enough. Not by far.

~

_  
Thorin watches as his nephew races through the room, shrieking and wrecking havoc; it’s his nameday and none of the adults have the heart to tell him off. Dis smiles indulgently and Frerin eggs the dwarfling on, like always. Thorin sighs. They’re far too similar. He remembers the days when Frerin would run around, screeching on top of his lungs and making Thorin’s head hurt as he tried to study._

_The table is full of food and a smaller bench on the side holds a ridiculous amount of presents. Thorin doubts that Kili needs even half the things he’s been gifted with. Almost hidden behind the table stands a blond dwarfling, eyes wide and scared. Why Thrain thought that buying a slave boy and gifting him to Kili was a good idea is beyond Thorin. He questions his father’s judgement more and more these days. Rescuing the boy from the slavers sure is an admirable deed, for dwarflings are precious, but gifting another being like a present feels wrong. Kili had gleefully named his new companion ‘Fili’, but has soon gotten bored with him when the poor boy only stood in silence, obviously overwhelmed. The cake Master Bombur baked for Kili’s nameday has become more interesting._

_Thorin makes his way through the commotion, not failing to notice Fili shrinking back against the wall as he approaches. He looks like he wants to hide under the table._

_Kneeling down and putting himself on eye-level with the dwarfling, Thorin smiles. “Are you happy with your new name?” Nobody cared to ask the boy what his name was, not after Thrain proclaimed that Kili should name his new companion._

_Fili nods and shuffles his feet._

_“How were you called before?”_

_Fili peers up at him, blue eyes wide and haunted, too old in the face of one so young._

_“Nidoyith,” he replies. Thorin has to strain to hear him over the noise of the celebration._

_“That’s not a name,” he points out gently. Fili pulls his shoulders up._

_“That’s what they called me,” he says, stubbing the toes of his boot against the floor. “That or ‘you’.”_

_It’s disheartening to hear. Being denied a name equals being denied an identity._

_“Well, you are Fili now. I hope this makes you happy.”_

_Fili glances up and then nods quickly. It’s obvious that he is desperate to please Thorin and answer correctly. Once the boys have been put to bed Thorin will have to talk to his sister, make her aware of the care Fili is going to need. He may not be a child of Durin’s line, but he is part of their family now._

_“Are you hungry?”_

_At Thorin’s question Fili’s eyes flicker to the table laden with food, conflicting emotions playing on his face. It’s clear that he’s hungry, but food would mean leaving his safe corner._

_“I, for one, am very hungry.” Thorin stands up again and smiles down at the boy. “Why don’t you come with me and we’ll see what there is to eat?”_

_It takes a few seconds, but eventually Fili takes a tiny step forward and takes Thorin’s outstretched hand. His small fingers curl around two of Thorin’s and he holds on tight.  
_

~

It had taken both, Thorin and Dis, to finally get Kili to agree to go to sleep, and even then he’d only moved so far as the couch in his sitting room. Thorin has taken up watch in Kili’s vacated chair. His fingers itch and he wishes he had his pipe and a tankard of ale. It’s been a very, very long day, crowned by a very long feast. Thorin didn’t have the option of leaving early like Kili did, though he did have the satisfaction of watching Nigug slinking back into the hall and deflecting the probing questions of his companions about his bloodied nose. Dwalin had only grinned and cheerfully told Thorin he had no idea what he was speaking off when he had asked about it on his way back in.

Thorin can’t jeopardise the trade agreements with the Iron Hills, but Fili lying so still, bruised and abused, makes him wish he could punish the dwarves who did this to him. Punish them in ways that would teach them new levels of pain. But Thorin holds tight onto his anger, careful not to show it. If he lets only a spark of it to the surface Kili will catch fire and do something impulsive. He’s much like Frerin, and Thorin’s brother burnt bright and fast. Thorin doesn’t want the same to happen to his nephew.

He watches as Fili twitches in his sleep, whining softly. Thorin’s no nursemaid, so his movements are clumsy as he wipes Fili’s face, the skin still burning with fever. He finds it difficult to associate the Fili he knew with the Fili in front of him. As a dwarfling he had been polite but determined, burdened before his age in a way that painfully reminded Thorin of himself. He tried to make the boy’s childhood carefree as it should be, as had his sister and brother. When the seeds they’d sown had finally started to blossom Fili had been taken away. Now Thorin sees the ghosts of things that weren’t allowed to be.

Fili’s face twists and he keens, eyes flitting behind closed lids as he’s caught in a nightmare. Thorin hums, then sings a lullaby he thought already forgotten, reminding him of giggly dwarflings who wouldn’t go to sleep unless he told them a story and sang to them.

Fili tenses, then relaxes with a shaky exhale. He sleeps peacefully through the rest of the night.  
Eventually Thorin falls into a light slumber.

When he wakes in the morning he finds Fili peering at him from beneath the blankets.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for all your lovely comments and support on this story. I'm seriously overwhelmed and every comment has me flailing and grinning like a lunatic. *hugs you all tightly*

_Tremble, little lion man_

Thorin and Fili look at each other, neither of them moving. Fili’s eyes are wide and scared, his body tense. He looks ready to bolt. 

“Good morning.” Thorin keeps his voice low and even. His words unfreeze Fili, who tries to scramble to his feet. 

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, getting tangled in the sheets in his panic. His breath hitches. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have slept in. I’m sorry. I’ll make up for it.” 

When Thorin stands up and steps closer Fili ceases his panicked struggles and curls up instead, hands raised protectively in front of his face. 

Thorin’s chest feels painfully tight. 

“Fili, it’s all right,” he soothes and carefully reaches out to pull Fili’s hands away from his face. Fili’s eyes shine with tears and fever and he’s gasping for breath. Thorin sits down on the edge of the bed. 

“It’s all right, you’re safe here.”

Fili doesn’t look at him. Thorin lets go off his hands and rights the blankets instead. 

“Do you know where you are?” 

Fili bites his bottom lip and shifts, eyes only briefly flitting up to meet Thorin’s. 

“Erebor.” 

Thorin nods and resists the urge to run a hand through Fili’s messed up hair, reminding himself that this is not an upset dwarfling he’s dealing with. His monsters won’t be so easily chased away. 

“Aye, Erebor. Do you remember me?” 

Fili peers up again but doesn’t answer. He worries his bottom lip between his teeth and twists the sheets around his hands, growing more agitated by the second. Thorin places his hand over one of Fili’s before he can work himself into a panic. 

“I’m Thorin. It’s been some time, so if you don’t-“

“I remember you,” Fili interrupts him and promptly ducks, like he’s expecting punishment for speaking. Thorin lightly squeezes his hand and Fili cautiously looks up again. 

“Are you my new master?” 

Thorin swallows. 

“No.” On paper, Kili is. Thorin wishes Fili had no master at all. 

He doesn’t know what else to say, so he takes the glass of water from the nightstand and holds it out for Fili. “You should drink something.” He waits until Fili takes it before he gets up.  
“I’ll let Kili know you’re awake and send for some broth. You’ll be feeling better in no time.” 

Fili’s smile is forced and painful to look at. “Yes, I will.” It sounds like he’s responding to a command and Thorin can’t stand the painful feeling in his chest a moment longer. 

“Rest, Fili. Kili will be here in a moment.” 

Thorin leaves the room and exhales slowly. Somehow this scares him more than battles and death ever could. 

~

Fili drinks the entire glass of water despite his stomach protesting and struggles to keep it down. Prince Thorin made it clear that he needs to get better and Fili has every intention of obeying. For now he is apparently allowed to stay in bed and given water, and he has to repay that kindness. 

Leaning over Fili groans as his muscles protest the movement of him putting the empty glass back on the nightstand. He’s still sore and in pain. His skin feels tight and hot. While trying to find a comfortable position he looks around the room, taking in the ornate decorations and tapestries. Everything is kept in royal blues and reds. Despite the obvious wealth the room is cosy and homely, well lived in. Clothes are draped over a settee in the corner and Fili spots a pair of boots that look like they’ve been pulled off in haste. Before he can inspect the room further the door opens. 

“Fili!” 

Fili winces at the loud voice and instinctively curls into himself. He tries to stay calm, but it’s difficult and Fili feels himself teetering on the edge of panic. 

“You’re awake!” 

The bed bounces when someone sits down forcefully on the mattress. Fili keeps his eyes firmly closed and tries to breathe through the dizziness. Once he feels like he’s not coming apart at the seams anymore he blinks his eyes open. A dwarf close in age to himself is sitting next to him and watching him curiously. Fili squirms under his gaze. His brown hair is wild and standing up in places, like he’s only just woken up. It must be Kili.

“I apologise, Fili. I didn’t mean to scare you."

Fili takes a steadying breath but finds that he doesn’t know what to say. Nobody's ever apologised to him, how is he expected to respond? Is he even allowed to respond without being asked a direct question? 

“How are you feeling?” Kili ends Fili’s dilemma by breaking the silence. 

“I’m well, your highness. Thank you,” Fili mumbles, glad that his voice only cracks once. 

“Please, just call me Kili.” There’s something in Kili’s voice, a strange undertone Fili can’t decipher. This is why getting a new master is stressful. You don’t know anything about them yet. You don’t know the rules, you can’t play the game. 

“As you wish, Kili.” 

Kili sighs and Fili feels like he’s done something wrong again. This is starting off so badly. Surely the royal family doesn’t want a slave who is injured _and_ stupid. 

“How’re you really feeling?” 

It’s a trick question and Fili doesn’t know how to answer it. He stalls and licks his lips, tries to get his slow brain to work and figure out what an appropriate reply is. 

Kili reaches out and forces Fili to look up. There’s no malice in his brown eyes, just honest concern. It almost breaks him. He wants to cry and scream because what is he supposed to do?  
Kili’s finger are gentle under his chin, his thumb rubbing against the stubble on Fili’s jaw. 

“I’m. . . I’m tired,” Fili admits, watching Kili’s face attentively. There’s no flash of annoyance, no anger. 

“That’s understandable,” Kili’s voice is sad. He probably expected to have Fili’s services available a lot sooner. 

“Oin said you need a lot of rest. Do you think you can stay awake until your food is here?” 

Fili nods. He’s not used to being asked his opinion. 

“I’ll be better tomorrow,” he tries, desperate to have Kili know that he’s not useless. He wants to stay here because being a slave in Erebor is a thousandfold better than being a slave in the Iron Hills. 

“You’ll be,” Kili smiles. It’s still the same smile he had as a boy, wide and infectious. “We’ll take care of you.” 

~  
 _It’s cold in the Iron Hills. Cold and quiet._

_There are a lot more slaves than in Erebor, but none of them talk to Fili. They keep their heads down as they hurry through the corridors. Fili hopes he won’t become a ghost like them._

_His new master, Niduk, is nice; an old widower who requires help around the house. Fili does a lot of cleaning and running errands and it isn’t too bad, but he feels lonely most of the time. He misses Kili and their adventures. He misses Thorin telling him stories and teaching him how to read. He misses Frerin making him laugh and telling him not to worry and he misses Dis tucking him in at night. Fili misses the Lonely Mountain. His chest feels tight whenever he thinks about them, so he tries not to and focuses instead._

_“My father is rather stupid.”_

_Fili tenses but doesn’t stop tidying the living room. His master will be back soon and he wants to be finished with his tasks. Occasionally, when all chores are done and his master isn’t too tired he’ll give him reading lessons. They are not as fun as when prince Thorin taught him, but Fili takes what he can get._

_“Letting a pretty ass like yours go to waste.”_

_Fili can feel Nigug watching him and it makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. His master’s son is an unpleasant dwarf and Fili tries to avoid him at all costs. There’s a glint in his eyes that scares Fili._

_“Then again, at his age he probably can’t get it up anymore. You’re wasted on him.”_

_The other dwarf is standing behind him now, far too close for comfort. Fili does his best to keep breathing evenly, hands gripping the broom he’s holding tightly._

_“I’d make better use of you and your talents.” Nigug steps in front of him. Fili’s stomach coils and he shivers. He doesn't know what Nigug means._

_“Show you a good time.” The other dwarf chuckles. Fili’s keeps stubbornly staring at the floor and praying that Nigug will go away._

_“Make use of that pretty mouth of yours.” His thumb rubs over Fili’s bottom lip and Fili barely manages not to gag._

_“Look at you,” Nigug coos, laughing when Fili tries to turn his head away, tightening his hold. “You’re blushing. I bet you’re a virgin.”_

_Fili presses his lips together tightly. His cheeks are flaming hot and glowing with embarrassment._

_“You are!” Nigug laughs and finally let’s go off Fili._

_“Oh you and I, we are going to have a lot of fun.” He slaps Fili’s ass as he walks away._

_Fili stay rooted to the spot, clutching the broom. He feels hot all over with shame and blinks angrily against the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He’s young and he’s scared and he wants nothing more than to go back to the only family he ever knew. The one that sold him._

~

Fili overestimated his ability of staying awake, dozing again by the time the food arrives. Kili watches him and the way his face relaxes in sleep. He doesn’t even wake when there is a knock on the door and one of the kitchen maids brings in a tray of food. 

“Fili?” Kili carefully puts his hand on Fili’s shoulder, not wanting to startle him. “Food is here, wake up.” 

Fili groans and opens his eyes. For a moment they are untroubled, but as soon as he becomes aware of his surroundings Fili goes tight as a bowstring. The panic Kili loathes to see is back, present in every fibre of his body. 

“Can you sit up to eat?” 

Nodding Fili sits up, not once protesting. The set of his jaw gives away in how much pain he is. 

“Should I help you?” Kili asks, awkwardly holding the bowl of broth. 

“No, I. . . I can do it.” Fili reaches out and takes the bowl from Kili. His hands are shaking but Kili doesn’t comment on it. 

“It’s nothing special, but it’s warm. And apparently good for you and all that,” Kili smiles. Fili looks at him like he’s grown a second head. It’s a look Kili is getting acquainted with very well. It’s unnerving, making him feel like he says all the wrong, stupid things. 

“Is all of that for me?” 

“Yes, of course.” Kili tries to say it in a normal voice and not let on how bewildered he is by Fili’s questions. 

“Oh.” Fili nods to himself and slowly starts to eat. The spoon is shaking in his hand. After three spoonfuls he’s sweating. 

Kili worries his bottom lip between his teeth. Maybe he should just take the spoon and help. Then again, he doesn’t want to invade Fili’s space like that, not when he’s made it clear that he wants to do it on his own. 

Before he can make a decision the spoon falls from Fili’s hand and lands in the bowl. Fili tries to reach for it but only ends up jostling the bowl and spilling most of the broth. It’s completely silent in the room for a few moments before Fili gasps and struggles to get out of bed. 

“I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry. I’ll clean it up. I’ll just… I’ll…” Once free of the blankets he stumbles out of bed, gasping and looking around. 

Kili own heart is starting to race as he jumps to his feet. 

“Fili, it’s all right. Please sit down. It’s all right.” 

“No, no, I’ll clean it up. I’m sorry. I’ll make up for it.” Fili’s voice is getting louder and louder as he looks around wildly. He’s shaking so much his teeth are chattering. 

“Fili, it’s _all right_!” Kili reaches out and grabs Fili’s shoulder, trying to pull him over to the chair and make him sit down. All it achieves is Fili emitting a sound of pure terror and dropping to his knees. 

Kili is incapable of thinking clearly, the rushing of blood in his ears drowning out every thought. He drops to his knees as well and reaches out, trying to reassure Fili and comfort him. Anything, anything to stop that horrible whimpers of pain and terror. 

“Fili. Fili!” 

Fili isn’t listening, only curling further into himself. It looks like he’s shaking apart. 

“FILI!” The rational part of Kili’s mind knows that he shouldn’t scream, but he can’t control himself. “Fili, stop!” 

Fili gasps and twists his hands in his hair. 

“Please. It’s all right. Nothing happened.” Kili is pleading now, vision swimming with unshed tears. Why won’t Fili calm down? 

The door flies open. 

“What’s going on?” Thorin asks, surveying the scene before him. 

“I don’t know,” Kili sniffs. “He was eating and he didn’t want any help and then he accidentally spilled some of the food and. . . and,” he gestures to Fili on the ground.

Thorin is next to them in a heartbeat, reaching out to take one of Fili’s hands and attempting to get him to lower it. Fili sobs and tries to scoot away. 

“Go get your mother.” 

Kili stares at them for a moment before his uncle’s words register and he scrambles to his feet and runs from the room. 

~

Finding both, Fili and Kili, on the floor in varying states of panic isn’t what Thorin expected when opening the door to see what the commotion was about. At least Kili is responding to him and leaves to get Dis. Fili remains curled into himself in a state of utter terror. Thorin hovers uncertainly for a moment before he shakes his head. It’s not the time to be cautious, Fili is only going to hurt himself more if left to his own devices. 

“Fili.” He reaches out and places a hand on Fili’s back, ignoring his flinch. “Can you try and relax for me?” There is no reaction. Thorin shifts so he’s kneeling beside Fili and rubs slow circles on his back. He doesn’t say anything because it’s clear that words won’t reach Fili. Instead he starts to hum. It seems to take ages but eventually the worst of the trembling stops. Thorin takes his chances and picks Fili up. He’s too light in Thorin’s arms and unresponsive, barely struggling. It’s frightening how still he is. 

Walking over to the settee Thorin carefully sits Fili down and kneels down in front of him him, keeping a hold of Fili’s arms to stop him from curling up again. He’s rigid in Thorin’s grasp, face is splotchy with tears and breathing too shallow, eyes unfocused. The nightshirt he’s wearing is damp with sweat. 

“What’s going on?” 

Thorin slumps with relief when his sister enters the room. 

“Oh Fili, darling.” 

Thorin let’s himself be pushed aside as Dis takes his place. She pushes Fili’s hair away from his face and cradles his cheeks. “Fili, sweetling. I need you to calm down for me.”  
Fili draws a shuddering breath. He looks at Dis and slowly his eyes focus again. He’s motionless for a few seconds; then his face crumbles. A sob tears from his throat and he slumps forward, grabbing handfuls of Dis’s dress and holding on. 

Dis wraps her arms around Fili and let’s him cry, murmuring soothing nonsense. It’s a private moment and Thorin feels like he has no right to witness it. He gets up and leaves the room, taking Kili, who’s been hovering anxiously by the door, with him. 

“Give them a moment.” 

“But-“ Kili goes up on his tiptoes to catch a last glimpse of the room before Thorin closes the door firmly behind him. 

~

Fili’s fingers cramp painfully as they twist in the expensive fabric. In that moment he’s certain that the presence of princess Dis is the one thing keeping him from drowning. Everything is rushed and Fili’s thoughts are a jumbled mess. Every fibre of his being writhes in panic and pain. He’s messed up. Not even here a day, and already he’s messed up, being useless and clumsy and doing everything wrong. 

He’d been so sure that he’d be punished right there on the spot for wasting good food and ruining the bed, but nothing happened. That, more than anything, makes Fili panic. He doesn’t know what to expect; it feels like he’s balancing on the edge of an abyss. Fili is terrified of falling and finding out what monsters await him at the bottom. 

Maybe it’s because princess Dis is the only mother-figure Fili’s ever had in life, but looking at her causes the building pressure in his throat to unravel and escape in a sob that shakes his body. Fili falls into her embrace without hesitation, desperate for the safety he felt as a child. 

He doesn’t know how long he cries for, but he only stops when his throat is raw and he’s exhausted. Exhausted and mortified because the dress under his cheeks is wet from his tears. 

“No, sweetling, it’s all right,” she murmurs into his ear and rubs his back. Fili lets out a shaky breath and closes his eyes, breathing through his mouth because his nose is blocked. He tries not to sniffle too much. 

“There you go.” She pulls back and Fili tries to get his fingers to relax, to let her go. She’s wasted enough time on him already, he can’t ask for more, no matter how desperate he is for her company. 

Blinking pulls on the swollen skin around Fili’s eyes. It feels stretched and too tight. Princess Dis’ fingers are cool and soft when she cradles his cheek, making him look at her. She’s smiling, that soft little smile Fili tried to remember on bad nights. 

“Now let’s get you cleaned up and back into bed.” 

“But. . . but I messed up,” Fili mumbles. If only they’d tell him what his punishment is. 

“You didn’t mess up,” she shakes her head and combs a hand through his hair, carefully untangling it. “You spilled a bit of food, that’s all. Nobody is angry about it, Fili.” 

Fili bites his bottom lip. Master Nigug got angry at him for lesser offences. Maybe they won’t give him food anymore now, since he can’t handle it. 

She smiles and takes his hands. 

“Can you stand up?” 

Fili nods despite the pain he’s in and gets up, red hot waves of agony shooting up his spine. 

~ __

_Fili sobs and presses further into the corner, the stone cold against his back. He doesn’t know which way to go or what to do._

_Kili had been so excited to show him around Erebor, but somehow Fili lost him. One minute Kili was chatting excitedly and running ahead of Fili and the next there was silence. Fili has no idea if Kili turned left or right. All the corridors look the same to him. Erebor is so big, he’ll be lost _forever_. _

_Fili hugs himself. It’ll get dark soon and that’ll be scary and he’ll be all alone._

_“Huh? What do we have here?”_

_Fili blinks through his tears and tries to make out the dwarf in front of him. From his spot crouched on the floor he looks impossibly tall. When he kneels down Fili can see that he’s smiling and that he looks a little like prince Thorin, his hair a few shades lighter but equally as wild._

_“Could it be lost treasure?” The dwarf grins and Fili squirms, rubbing his wet cheek against his shoulder._

_“No. I’m Fili.”_

_“A lost Fili then.” The dwarf nods. “Hello, lost Fili. I’m Frerin.”_

_Fili twists his hands in the hem of his tunic. He’s still not sure about the proper way of greeting people. Nobody ever taught him; he was expected to be quiet and invisible._

_“Hello,” he mumbles shyly._

_“So tell me, what are you doing here, Fili?” Frerin reaches out and brushes the tears from Fili’s face with his thumb._

_“I’m sorry,” Fili ducks his head. He’s probably not allowed to be here. “Kili was showing me around and he was there and then he was not and I don’t know where to go, so I sat down.”_

_Frerin laughs. “I see. Well, let’s see about getting you back to your room, shall we?”_

_Fili gasps as he’s scooped up. He’s never been so high up. Everything looks different from this new perspective._

_“So, Fili. Are you liking it in Erebor?”_

_“It’s very big,” Fili mumbles into Frerin’s chest. Already he’s lost track of where they are again._

_“It is,” Frerin nods. “But a clever little dwarfling like you is gonna find his way around in no time.”_

_Fili giggles and hides his face in his hands, pressing his cool fingers against his suddenly hot cheeks. Nobody’s ever called him clever before!_

_“Here we are.” Frerin pushes a door open and Fili finds himself back in the room of the party. A few dwarves are cleaning up, but all the guests seem to have left._

_“My Lady Dis!” Frerin’s booms and Fili presses closer to him. A dark-haired woman looks up and rolls her eyes._

_“Frerin, what are you doing? You’re not scaring Fili, are you?”_

_“Of course I’m not!” Frerin huffs and tickles Fili’s belly with his free hand. “Tell her, Fili.”_

_Fili laughs and wraps his arms around his belly. “No!”_

_“See!” Frerin beams._

_Princess Dis laughs and shakes her head at them._

_“You don’t happen to have seen that little imp of yours?”_

_“Came rushing by earlier.” She shrugs, apparently not too concerned and takes Fili from Frerin. “I think it’s bath time for you, little one.”_

_“Oh no beware the bath time!” Frerin clutches at his chest dramatically. Fili looks at him with wide eyes. Is there something about bath time he doesn’t know?_

_“Stop it, you,” Dis swats playfully at Frerin with her free hand. “Just because you’re a goblin who refuses to wash.”_

_“Well,” Frerin lifts his chin. “At least I’m the most handsome goblin there ever was. Right, Fili?”_

_Fili nods enthusiastically. He has no idea what a goblin actually looks like._

_“If you think so.” Dis hitches Fili up a little higher on her waist. “Do me a favour and go find my little goblin and bring him to the bathroom, will you?”_

_“Aye!” Frerin mock salutes and winks at Fili. “Good luck with bath time, Fili.”_

_Fili beams and waves when Frerin turns to leave._

_“Let’s get started before Kili arrives and makes a mess. Him and water don’t really go together,” Dis smiles and carries Fili to the bathroom. He rests his head against her shoulder, suddenly feeling very tired. She smells like spicy tea, warm and comforting. Fili closes his eyes and wishes that he can stay with her forever.  
_ ~


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really sorry that it took so long to update this. Holiday season has been doing my head in and then I hit a bit of a writer's block, letting my insecurities get to me. All my thanks go to the people who've held my hand, encouraged me, and helped me out with this chapter. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for all of your support. Every comment and kudo means the world to me. ♥

Fili’s lies on his side, one arm wrapped around his middle, marvelling at the gentle curve of his stomach. He’s been given plenty of food the past few days, more and better than he’s used to. Still Kili had apologised because it was only broth and bread. Fili had wanted to laugh. He’s been living on meagre rations of stale bread and leftovers for years, going to sleep and waking up with his stomach twisting in agony. He’s used to his body curving inward, not outward. 

Closing his eyes Fili curls up a little more, ignoring the twinge of pain in his backside. Once upon a time he had wished for a soft bed, food in his belly, peace and quiet, thinking those things would make him content. It always seemed like a fantasy that’d never come true. Fili finds himself anything but content. He’s mortified by Oin’s daily examinations and the fact that he’s still bleeding _there_. He’s embarrassed by the attention Kili, Dis and Thorin give him, knowing that Oin discloses everything to them. They must be regretting their purchase by now, realising how damaged the goods are.  
More than anything Fili is anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop. This can’t be it. He’s been allowed to rest in bed and brought good food for days now, indebting himself to the royal family further with every day, every hour, he can’t work. He’s been sleeping for most of the past few days and despite Oin’s assurances that sleep is the best medicine to heal his body, Fili feels terrible about it. It seems so decadent, spending all day in bed. He’s still sore, but he can sit up and if they only allowed him to get out of bed he could at least do small tasks. Or maybe he’s intended to become a bed slave and this is what the rest of his life is going to look like. Fili’s stomach turns and he draws in a shuddering breath. If only somebody would tell him what he was here for.

He’s still lost in thought when the door opens. 

“Fili? Are you awake?” 

Opening his eyes Fili peers over the blankets at the door. 

“Y-yes.” 

Kili beams and bounds in, not bothering to close the door behind him. 

“Sorry I’m late, Balin wouldn’t stop talking today,” he rolls his eyes. “I didn’t mean to leave you alone for so long.”

Fili sits up, suppressing a wince. “It’s fine,” he mumbles. Truth be told he doesn’t mind being on his own, but Kili is probably concerned that he’ll misbehave if left alone for too long. 

“How’re you feeling?” Kili always asks and Fili always gives the same answer. 

“I’m all right.” Any other answer would make him feel whiny and ungrateful. Through Oin’s reports Kili knows all about Fili’s health anyway, so his inquiries are made purely out of politeness. 

Kili doesn’t look like he believes him, but before he can ask more questions Dis bustles into the room. 

“Kili, you’re here already. Good. Oin said it would be all right for Fili to be up for a little while, so be a dear and help him clean up.” She smiles at them before leaving again in a hurry. 

“Uncle’s put her in charge of overseeing some trade agreements,” Kili offers as an explanation before standing up. 

“Do you need help getting up?” 

Fili shakes his head. He’s only gotten up for brief trips for the bathroom and that had been exhausting and painful, but he managed. He gets out of bed quickly, not wanting to make Kili wait, and winces when his body protests the movement. His legs tremble and if it weren’t for Kili wrapping an arm around his waist he would’ve fallen down. 

“Easy,” Kili mumbles. He’s looking at Fili with concern, most likely worried that Fili is not getting stronger quicker. 

“Sorry,” Fili whispers, allowing Kili to hold him up as they walk.

“Don’t worry about it.” Kili tightens his arm around Fili’s middle in what Fili thinks might be an attempt of comfort. It’s confusing. Kili opens a door and they enter a room Fili vaguely remembers. A fire is blazing in the hearth, keeping it nice and warm. Gemstones glitter everywhere around them, worked carefully into the walls and floor. A valet stand is the only piece of furniture. 

In the centre of the room a bath is built into the stone. Its blue tiles are inlaid with designs in gold and shimmer beneath the water. Steam is rising in the air and Fili’s breath hitches. He assumed that ‘cleaning up’ meant a bowl of water and a washcloth. The very thought of taking a bath fills him with dread. His body locks up and Fili refuses to move further into the room, eyes fixed on the pool. He digs his heels in, causing Kili to stumble. 

“Fili? What’s wrong?” 

Mahal, how stupid he is. He should’ve seen it coming. They’ve been nice to him for far too long. 

“Please,” his voice comes out weak, almost lost between hitching breaths. “I’ll do something else. Anything. Please.” 

Fili thinks Kili says something in reply, but he can’t hear it over the ringing in his ears. All he knows is that there are hands on him, pulling on his arms. They’ll try and pull him into the water. “No. No, please, no.” 

Fili struggles to get away from the hands grasping at him. His vision is blurred and he’s dizzy, so dizzy. He blindly stumbles back, ignoring pain flaring to life in his body as he moves too quickly and in all the wrong ways. His mind is swimming and he needs to get away. Even as he painfully falls to the floor Fili keeps on scooting backwards, away, away, away from the water. 

~  
 _  
“C’mon now, get in already while it’s nice and hot!”_

_Fili eyes the bathtub sceptically. He is never allowed baths; usually he only gets cold water and a cloth to clean himself up as well as he could. This change of tune is disconcerting. In the end it’s not like Fili has much of a choice, and he steps into the tub before his master can get angry. Fili sinks down, unable to hold back a sigh at how nice it feels._

_“What, do you think you’re here to enjoy yourself?” Nigug laughs, sending shivers down Fili’s spine. “Then again, I guess you will. Wanton little thing, aren’t you?” He grabs Fili’s wrist and pulls him close. Without having to be instructed Fili reaches down and wraps his hand around his master’s cock. Maybe he can get away with it, nice and easy, while enjoying the hot water._

_For a few moments he thinks his plan was working, Nigug humming as Fili strokes him to full hardness. Then he bats Fili’s hand away and smirks. “Your mouth.”_

_Fili stares at his master for a few seconds, trying to figure it out. They’re in the water, how is he supposed to do that?_

_“But-“_

_“Your mouth! Are you deaf as well as dumb?”_

_When Fili doesn’t react immediately, Nigug grabs the back of his head. Being pushed under would be worse, so much worse, so Fili quickly draws in a breath and submerges himself. Opening his eyes under water is unpleasant; he still has no idea how he’s going to do this, or if it’s even possible. Not that his master ever cared for possibilites. He wants what he wants and Fili has to find a way to make it happen._

_Fili tries to wrap his lips around his master’s cock while holding his breath, but it doesn’t work and he comes up spluttering._

_“You gotta be joking me. What was that supposed to be?” Nigug yells before putting his hands on Fili’s shoulder and pushing him down again. Fili’s protests are silenced as he nearly swallows a mouthful of water. He tries again, barely managing to wrap his lips around the head of Nigug’s cock before he’s out of air and choking. He struggles to get up, but Nigug’s hands hold him firmly under water. When his body doesn’t get the oxygen it needs Fili’s heart starts hammering in his chest and panic sets in. Fili flails and tries to push himself up, but Nigug has his hands on Fili’s shoulders, and he’s not strong enough to overpower his master. He accidentally gets water up his nose and gasps for air. All he gets is a mouthful of hot water. His lungs constrict painfully._

_He’s drowning._

_All fight leaves Fili’s body as a strange sense of acceptance settles over him. His miserable existence is coming to an end. Fili never contemplated death before, the notion of dying frightening him, but everything feels calm now, his body becoming weightless, his limbs becoming numb. Fili blinks, then closes his eyes. It’ll be over soon._

_Fili is pulled from his peaceful state by rough hands hauling him up and pushing him against the edge of the tub. He splutters and throws up water over the edge. His lungs burn and his ears are ringing, but he can hear his master screaming._

_“Useless, is what you are!” Nigug roars and his knee connects with the small of Fili’s back. He doesn’t have the energy to react to it, hanging over the edge of the tub, struggling for air. Black spots are dancing in front of his vision._

_“Is this how you repay my generosity?! By being a useless waste of space?” He demands, twisting his hands in Fili’s hair and pulling. His grip only tightens when Fili moans in pain. “Whiny like a bitch you are.” Nigug shoves him forward again, causing the edge of the tub to press against Fili’s chest. “Better treat you like one.”_

_Before Fili can even comprehend what is happening Nigug is pushing into him and all his thoughts are lost in a red haze._

__~

Kili stands rooted to the spot, terror coiling in his stomach as he watches Fili scrambling to get away. He’s shaking and his legs refuse to support him; it’s horrible to watch him crawl away like he’s afraid Kili is going to run him through with a sword. Kili swallows thickly when he sees red spots appear on Fili’s white sleeping breeches. 

He has no idea what caused this reaction. They’d simply entered the bathroom. It doesn’t make sense. Not much about Fili makes sense these days. 

“Fili.” 

The blond dwarf doesn’t hear him, pressing his back against the wall and curling in on himself, whimpering and muttering under his breath. Kili cautiously steps closer. 

“Fili. Fili, what’s wrong?” 

Fili gasps and looks like he’s attempting to disappear into the stone behind him when Kili kneels down in front of him. Kili is careful not to touch, a lesson he already learnt. His fingers itch though, wanting to shake Fili, shake him and hug him and hold him together. 

“P-please.” 

“Please what?” Kili asks, balling his trembling hands into fists. Fili is a puzzle he can’t solve. He’s gone through the past minutes in his mind and there is nothing he can think of that would bring about such a reaction. 

“Don’t. Not today. I’ll do something else. But I can’t, not today.” Fili is keeping his eyes firmly closed, his fingernails digging into his own arms so forcefully that Kili’s scared he’ll draw blood. 

“It’s just a bath, Fili. Nothing is going to happen,” he tries, doing his best to sound calming. 

Fili sobs violently in reply, like Kili signed his death warrant. 

“Or we don’t have to, if you don’t want,” Kili adds hastily, trying to find the right words to say. “We can get you back to bed if that’s what you prefer.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Fili whispers, arms wrapped around his drawn up legs, making himself as small as possible.His fingernails leave bloody half-moons on his shins. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kili says, close to pleading himself. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t find a reason for Fili to lose it like this. What in Mahal’s name did Nigug do to him? 

“Fili, please. It’s all right.” His voice is far from reassuring, trembling and cracking. Fili’s nails are raking up his legs, leaving painful looking red scratches on his pale skin. 

“Don’t do that,” Kili admonishes gently and reaches out, carefully taking hold of Fili’s hands and trying to pull them away from his skin. Fili jerks back and his head hits the wall with a painful sound. 

“Sorry. Sorry, I - I didn’t mean to scare you. Sorry.” Kili winces in sympathy, but Fili doesn’t seem to notice or feel the pain, eyes searching the room like he’s looking for an escape route. Before Kili can do anything else the door to the bathroom opens. 

“What in Mahal’s name is going on in here?” Thorin glowers as he takes in the scene. “Kili, what did you do?” 

Kili’s mouth hangs open as he stares at his uncle. “What? I didn’t do anything!” Disappointment leaves a bitter taste in Kili’s mouth. He only tries to help, but he’s always blamed right away, as if he upsets Fili on purpose. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Fili makes a frightened noise and Kili presses his lips together, trying to reign in his temper. “I didn’t do anything,” he repeats with forced calm. “We came in here and he-“ Kili glances at Fili, not sure how to put into words what happened other than ‘Fili lost it’. 

With a sigh Thorin walks over and pushes Kili out of the way, kneeling down next to Fili. “Fili, we’ll get you back to bed, all right?” 

Fili tenses but doesn’t protest when Thorin lifts him up, unmoving and stiff in his arms. Kili remains where he is a few moments longer, trying to calm himself down. Only when he the need to scream has subsided does he follow Thorin and Fili out of the bathroom. 

Thorin places Fili down on the bed like he’s made out of glass. When he turns around his facade of calm turns into another glare. 

“Get your mother.” 

Kili looks from Thorin to Fili, who’s shaking, cheeks blotchy from tears. He looks so small, bruised and scared, and Kili can’t bring himself to turn away

“No.” He’s sick of running to his mother all the time. Fili is _his_ friend and Kili wants to be there for him, not sent out of the room like a dwarfling who’s in the way all the time. 

“Kili.” Thorin’s voice is sharp. Fili flinches like he’s been hit. 

“No, uncle,” Kili grits out, staring at Thorin and raising his chin. He won’t give in this time. “I’ll take care of it.” 

“This isn’t a game, Kili! Nor one of your experiments!” 

“I know that!” Does Thorin really think him so careless and cruel? Kili is very aware of the fact that he’s not perfect, but he’s never consciously unkind. He always tries to help and do things right by his family. It hurts to hear how lowly Thorin thinks of him. 

A whimper breaks the tense silence. Their harsh words haven’t done Fili any good and Kili is torn between guilt and anger at his uncle. 

“I think it’s better if you go, you’re making him nervous. I’ll let mother know if I need her,” Kili says haughtily. Let his uncle see how it feels to be the one carelessly dismissed. 

Thorin levels a hard stare at Kili, but once more Kili refuses to look away. Thorin purses his lips like he wants to say something, but thinks better of it and leaves. Kili exhales shakily.

“Sorry about that,” he whispers and sits down on the edge of the bed. “Nobody’s angry with you, I promise.” 

Blue eyes peer up at him through clumped, wet lashes. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you, you only have to tell me how.” 

Kili shakes his head. “You don’t have to make up for anything, Fili.” 

He had intended his words to be calming but they have the opposite effect. Kili can feel the bed shaking with the force of Fili’s trembling. 

“No, I-“ Fili licks his lisp and scratches his arm. “Please. I’ll do anything you want.” His face contorts in pain as he moves and he makes a desperate sound in the back of his throat when his shaking fingers won’t comply and untie the drawstring of his sleeping breeches. “You can, if you want. I-I can take it,” he’s babbling now, his breathing too loud and fast. It makes Kili’s own heart rate speed up. 

“No!” It comes out too loud and harsh, but Kili can’t help it; he’s horrified at what Fili is implying, and reaches out to grab Fili’s hands. “Fili, no.” 

“Please,” Fili’s voice breaks. He looks utterly forlorn and scared. 

“No,” Kili repeats, loosening his grasp on Fili’s wrists. “I told you, you don’t have to make up for anything. And I wouldn’t want you to. . . I wouldn’t want _that_.” Colour is rising high in Kili’s cheeks and he clears his throat. Fili’s actions are making him uncomfortable. Part of him wants to be angry with Fili for offering and having such a low opinion of Kili. But a larger part of him knows that Fili doesn’t know any better, that this has been his life for the past years. Kili swallows and desperately ignores the burning behind his eyes.

“But,” Fili starts, confusion written on his face as he tries to come up with something else to offer. 

“No buts,” Kili slowly lets go of Fili’s hands, not wanting him to feel like he’s being grabbed. “You have nothing to apologise for and you don’t need to make up for anything.” 

Fili looks at Kili with his lips curled into a frown and an intense expression, like he’s trying to work out a riddle. His eyes shine brightly with unshed tears and even though he curls his hands into fists he can’t seem to stop trembling. He shifts on the bed and his eyes flit around the room, distress radiating from him and manifesting in every move. Then his gaze settles on something beside the bed and a different emotion flashes across his face. 

Kili turns to see what Fili’s looking at and his eyes fall on the bedside table. There’s a pitcher of water there and a cup, a book Kili has long discarded reading but not yet taken back to the library, and an almost burnt-down candle. Nothing of interest, really. 

Glancing over, Kili finds that Fili is still looking. Frowning he takes everything in again, trying to work out why any of these items would hold Fili’s attention. It’s then that he spots the toy lion sitting on the edge of the nightstand. It’s old and a little rusty, one of Bifur’s wind-up toys that Kili kept. 

“I’d forgotten about that one,” he mumbles and leans forward, grabbing the toy. Fili’s eyes follow his movements. Kili turns the lion over in his hands, fingers feeling the ridges in the metal where the mane is carved. Age has dimmed the metal slightly, but the toy is still beautiful. The animal stands proudly on all fours, gazing ahead. Beneath the joints there are glimpses of metal gears, powering a mechanism Kili never understood. 

“I wonder if it still works.” Kili slowly turns the key on the lion’s back, aware of Fili watching him. He sets the toy down on the bed carefully before letting go, almost sure that it’s not going to work, the mechanisms too rusty with time. But the lion walks across the bed, shaky on the uneven ground and gears humming quietly. 

Kili glances up. The tears are gone from Fili’s eyes and he sits still, avidly watching the toy. Taking his chances he pushes the lion towards Fili when its movements slow and eventually stop. 

“You wanna try?” 

Fili hesitates and bites his bottom lip, clearly wanting to but not daring to. Kili pushes the lion further towards him with an encouraging smile. This Fili he can deal with. 

Fili’s hand hovers for a few seconds before his fingertips brush over the metal. He picks the toy up like it’s a precious gem, running his fingers over it, before turning the key and setting it back down on the bed. He watches with a smile as the lion stalks over the blanket. 

Kili kicks his boots off and lies down on the bed. “Lie down with me.” As always Fili responds easily to the request. It’s not something Kili likes to take advantage off, but his primary concern is to get Fili calm and make him rest. He takes the lion and winds it up again, waiting for Fili to scoot down on the bed before letting it walk towards him. 

“Your turn.” 

They make the lion walk back and forth between them until Fili falls asleep. 

~  
 __

_Kili’s vibrating with excitement, clutching his mama’s hand tightly. There are so many people at the market, and so many stalls selling colourful things, he doesn’t even know what to look at first! Out of the corner of his eyes he can see metal glinting._

_“Fili, look!” Kili points at a stall selling swords. “I’m gonna get one just like that when I’m older!” He declares, puffing his chest out. His mother laughs and Fili, holding onto Dis’ other hand, peers at the sword before smiling at Kili._

_“You’ll have to be lots older. That sword is twice your size,” Fili points out. Kili pushes up onto his tiptoes, stumbling as he attempts to walk that way._

_“I’ll grow real quick! Just wait, I’ll be taller than you soon!”_

_Fili giggles. “Maybe.”_

_Dis let’s Kili tiptoe around for a while longer before squeezing his hand. “Walk properly, darling.”_

_Kili pouts and does as he’s told, letting his feet smack the ground as he drops back down. They continue to make their way through the market and Kili keeps on tripping because there are simply too many things to look at._

_Eventually they stop at a stand, but to Kili’s disappointment it’s only selling fabric. How boring. Kili also knows for a fact that it’ll take his mama _ages_ to decide what she wants. Sighing deeply he looks around and perks up. Across from them is a stall full of toys. Kili yanks on Dis’ hand. _

_“Mama. Mama can Fili and I go over there and look at the toys?” He asks, bouncing on the balls of his feet._

_Dis gives the vendor an apologetic smile as their conversation is interrupted and turns around. Kili gives her his best toothy smile._

_“All right.” She holds Kili’s hand tighter when he wants to pull away. “But you stay over there and you don’t go anywhere else, do you hear me?”_

_Kili nods, impatiently trying to free himself from his mother’s grasp. She’s already let Fili’s hand go, which is really unfair._

_“And you’ll _behave_ , Kili, you hear me? Remember what I told you before?” _

_Kili huffs and nods. “I look with my eyes, not with my hands.”_

_“Good,” Dis nods. “Off with you then. I’ll come and get you when I’m done.”_

_When she finally let’s go Kili grabs Fili’s hands and is off in flash, dragging him to the toy stand._

_“Wow,” Kili breathes in amazement. There’s a myriad of toys on the table, in all sizes and shapes, carved out of wood or shaped out of metal._

_“Hello, little masters.”_

_Kili glances up at the dwarf who’s stepped up beside the table, smiling at them. “Is there anything I can help you with?”_

_“No,” Kili shakes his head. “We’re just looking, thank you,” he recites what he’s heard his mama say countless times before. “Looking with our eyes,” he adds for good measure, causing the dwarf to chuckle._

_“Aye, you look with your eyes then. And tell me if you wanna look at anything closer. I made all of these to be enjoyed by little dwarflings, I got nothing against you playing with them.”_

_Kili’s eyes light up. He’s been given permission to touch, so his mama’s orders don’t count anymore._

_“You really made all of these?” he asks in wonder, going up onto tiptoes again to get a better view of the table. There are birds and soldiers and even a dragon! It looks menacing and Kili shivers as he looks at its face. It looks ready to breathe fire._

_“I did,” the dwarf nods, and takes the dragon. “Watch this.” He cranks a small handle on the dragon’s back. Kili’s mouth drops open when the dragon’s wings start flapping._

_“Woah.” He takes a step closer before turning. “Fili! Fili look!”_

_Fili flinches and snatches his hand back, looking at Kili with wide eyes. Kili blinks. Fili _never_ touches things without permission. Narrowing his eyes and pursing his lips Kili’s eyes search the table until they fall on a lion that’s fallen over. _

_“Were you looking at the lion?” He wants to know. Fili quickly shakes his head and joins Kili, admiring the dragon. His smile is strained as he compliments the vendor on it. Kili watches Fili from the corner of his eyes, noticing that even though he appears to be fascinated by the dragon flapping its wings, his eyes keep on darting back to the lion on the table. Kili wants things all the time, but Fili only ever looks everything over with mild interest before moving on, not once asking for anything. Kili’s never seen him look at anything with such a sad look on his face._

_“Do you want to try it?” The toymaker asks and Kili really, really wants to, but he’s got more important things to take care of now._

_“You try it, Fili,” he pushes the other dwarfling forward. “I’ll be right back!” Turning around he darts through the crowd and up to his mother, who’s still admiring fabrics._

_“Mama!” Kili crashes into her legs and wraps both his hands around her arm, pulling. “Will you buy something for me?”_

_“Kili!” Dis cries and drops the fabric she’s been holding, frowning down at him. “I most certainly won’t! We’ve had this talk before we left, you have more than enough things.”_

_“But mama!” Kili pushes his bottom lip out and grips her skirts, huddling close to her. “Please,” he whispers. “I promise I won’t want anything else ever again. Ever.”_

_“That’s what you said last week,” Dis scowls, pushing wayward strands of hair away from his face. “Where did you leave Fili? I told you to stay together.”_

_“He’s still over there.” Kili points to the stall where the toymaker is pointing at the dragon and saying something to Fili. Judging by the look of concentration on Fili’s face he’s probably explaining how the toy’s mechanisms work._

_Dis looks over and once satisfied that Fili hasn’t been lost, turns her attention back to Kili._

_“Kili, you have more than enough toys.”_

_Kili’s bottom lip wobbles as his eyes fill with tears. “But none like this! Please, mama!” He sniffs and rubs his face in her skirts. He really wants that toy, and if he isn’t going to get it everything will be ruined. Why can’t his grandpa be here? He always buys Kili everything he wants._

_“Mama, please,” he wails, fisting his hands in her skirts. “I swear I’ll not ask for anything again until my name day. But I really need this. It’s important.”_

_“Important, huh?” Dis raises her eyebrows. “Why’s it so important?”_

_“I can’t tell you.” Kili presses his lips together tightly to make his point._

_Dis sighs and for a few moments they look at each other, neither moving. Eventually her shoulders sag._

_“Fine.”_

_Kili crows with delight._

_“But!” Dis talks over him. “You won’t get anything else until your name day. That’s three months away, you know that, right?”_

_“Yes,” Kili nods, making his braids bounce. “Thank you!” He burrows close to her and presses a kiss to the back of her hand with a giggle._

_“Oh you,” Dis swats gently at him before handing him a few coins. “There now, that should be enough. I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”_

_“All right!” Kili yells over his shoulder, already sprinting back to the toymaker’s stall. “Fili! Mama says to come over and help her pick a fabric for new. . .washcloths!”_

_Fili looks up from where he’s bent over another one of the toymaker’s creations and frowns._

_“New washcloths?”_

_“Yes. It’s very important that they are the right colour,” Kili nods gravely. Fili looks confused, but shrugs and shuffles away. As soon as he disappears in the crowd Kili motions for the vendor to lean down._

_He whispers what he wants into the dwarf’s ear, like it’s a big secret._

_By the time Fili and Dis come to pick him up Kili has safely stowed the toy away inside his coat. They’re both bewildered about the washcloth thing, but eventually laugh it off when Kili only grins cheekily._

_He can’t stop smiling the entire day, patting his coat occasionally to make sure the toy is still there. When they get back to their chambers, Kili hides it behind his pillow, hoping for once in his life that it’ll be bedtime soon._

_The day drags on, but finally, after bathing and having their hair brushed, Fili and Kili are curled up in bed. Dis kisses them both good night, blowing out all the candles in the room safe for one before leaving._

_Kili waits a few more moments before he sits up and gets the toy from under his pillow. He sets it down on Fili’s chest with a grin, giggling when Fili’s eyes go really wide._

_“Look, Fee! It’s like the lions uncle Frerin’s told us about!”_

_Fili looks from the lion to Kili and back, and then he smiles wider than Kili’s ever seen him smile before._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://www.kopperblaze.tumblr.com) Feel free to add me. I do post about my writing progress and I'll more than happily answer questions about this verse, if you have any. Or if there are particular one-shots you'd like to see :)


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more I'm SO SORRY for taking so long to update. RL has been a bit of a bitch and I got really insecure about writing and struggled. But I pushed on and this is the result! I'm not 100% happy with it, but I think I've reached a point where I need to let go and stop obsessing. 
> 
> So without further ado, here is chapter six, in which things get a little bit better. (but don't think that'll be a regular thing)

* * *

 

Kili groans and turns his head to the side, clinging to the edges of sleep. He wants to fall back into pleasant dreams about summer days, but the twinge in his backside won't let him. Eventually Kili admits defeat and peels his eyes open. He has fallen asleep in the chair, upper body slumped over the bed. His joints are aching and stiff, creaking ominously as he sits up. Kili yawns widely and raises his arms, lacing his fingers together and stretching his hands towards the ceiling. The joints in his back pop satisfyingly. Dropping his arms and relaxing back into the chair, Kili blinks the sleep from his eyes.

He catches Fili watching him from the bed, but as soon as their eyes meet he quickly looks away, turning the lion over in his hands.

"Good morning," Kili smiles, gathering his hair in a messy ponytail in the back of his neck.

"Good morning," Fili replies. He keeps his voice low, but remains mostly relaxed. Kili takes it as a good sign.

"Did you sleep well?"

Fili nods, continuing to turn the lion in his hands, running his pointer finger over its broad back and snout.

Kili’s stomach is rumbling, but breakfast can wait a while longer and “he makes himself comfortable in the chair instead. “You can have it, if you want."

"W-what?" Fili looks up at him with wide eyes.

Kili shrugs. "It was always more yours than mine anyway."

Fili bites his bottom lip, glancing at the toy. “But-“

Kili shakes his head and leans forward, carefully placing his hand over Fili's on the lion. "I want you to have it.” His heart flutters when Fili’s lips twitch into the tiniest of smiles.

"Thank you." Fili's voice shakes and he pulls his hands to his chest, still holding the toy. "How...how can I repay you?"

Kili exhales slowly. "It's a gift. If it makes you happy that is payment enough."

Fili nods, but the way he pulls up his shoulders and doesn't look at Kili screams scepticism.

"I wonder where the dragon is. Remember that one? Grandpa bought it for me and we used to play with them all the time." Kili thinks he destroyed the dragon in a fit of anger, but he can't remember for sure. He'll have to ask his mama about it.

“Yes," Fili’s not looking at Kili, but he's smiling. "You used to come up with the most fantastic stories for them."

Kili beams, his joy only partly caused by childhood memories and rather by hearing Fili speak without being utterly terrified.

"I did. Though, to be fair, uncle Frerin inspired a lot of them. Do you remember him telling us about the lions living in the forest? We begged him for days to take us to see them,” Kili chuckles. "When he eventually did, all our bravery was gone."

Fili nods and smiles to himself. "How-" he starts, then stops and swallows, tongue darting out to lick his dry lips. "How's Frerin?"

Kili's face falls and something cold and heavy settles in his stomach. He fights to swallow against his dry throat. “Frerin. . . Frerin is dead," he finally manages to get out, voice sounding distant to his own ears.

Fili's turns to look at Kili, his mouth hanging open in a silent 'o'.“I didn’t know. I’m…I’m sorry,” he murmurs, picking at the blanket.

“You couldn’t have known. Nobody thought to tell you.” If Kili’s honest, Frerin died so many years ago that although it still makes him sad, it’s become one of the truths of his life. His name is Kili, his mother is Dis, his uncle Thorin is King under the Mountain, and his uncle Frerin is dead.

“I…” Fili is struggling for words, worrying the blanket between his fingers and biting his bottom lip. “How?”

“He fell in battle, shortly after you. . . left.” Kili refuses to say ‘were sold’. “He was sad that you weren’t with us anymore. All of us were. But the battle happened and things got turned upside down with grandfather dying and,” he sighs and shakes his head. Kili feels like he needs to explain to Fili why they didn’t come for him, why they left him to his fate. But all his reasons sound like hollow apologies to his own ears; useless justifications made solely so he can sleep easier at night.

Fili nods, but he has a far away look in his eyes. Kili bites his tongue, keeping the questions rising in his throat from bubbling out; did Fili miss them at all? Or was he happy to leave, forgetting them gladly as soon as he could?

“I’m sorry,” Fili repeats. “Frerin was always really nice.” He doesn’t mention Thrain.

“He was.” Kili nods, a familiar sense of nostalgia creeping up and settling in his chest. “He always came up with the best games.”

“He did.” Fili looks down at the toy lion, rubbing his thumb over its flank.

“Treasure hunting,” they both say at the same time. Kili laughs, and even though Fili doesn’t look up at him he smiles. Something in Kili’s stomach flutters.

“Mama used to get so angry when he made us laugh while she was trying to chastise us. Well, mostly me. You were always good.”

Fili keeps on smiling and it feels like a breakthrough, like they’re finally on common ground.

“He always pulled faces behind her back, but when she turned around he’d look all innocent,” Fili says, rushing the words out like the bravery to utter them will leave him.

“Yes! He always imitated her too!” Kili vividly remembers it, laughing while his mother became more and more exasperated with him, and Frerin behind her, imitating her every move and pulling mock angry faces. He misses those days, when he’d laugh until his belly ached; he misses Frerin. Kili loves Thorin, but even before he became king his other uncle was always serious, always responsible and intent on teaching Kili the importance of honour and duty. Frerin had been the one with the easy laughs, turning life into a big game. Kili had flocked to him, gleefully abandoning tedious tasks in an attempt to be like his uncle.

“Y-yes. And Thorin…Thorin had that special Frerin sigh.” Fili’s words are halting, but he’s speaking without being asked to. Kili’s face hurts from smiling.

“He did!” Kili tries to reproduce the sigh his uncle reserved for Frerin, somewhere between utter exasperation and fondness - the sigh that is now exclusively Kili’s. Maybe he’s become more like Frerin than he realised.

They continue to talk for most of the morning. Well, mostly Kili talks and Fili nods, but it’s good to see him opening up, and to speak about Frerin with somebody who doesn’t struggle to hold back tears, or looks crippled by guilt.

By noon Fili is exhausted and Kili leaves him to nap. He can’t stop smiling all the way to the archery range.  
~

_”Why don’t you try under the tree there?”_

_Kili looks up and wrinkles his nose. “I don’t know, uncle. Treasure’s not buried beneath trees.”_

_“It might be,” Frerin points out, leaning back against the trunk of a tree and stretching his legs out in front of him. “You know, wood fairies like trees, so I bet they’d hide things near trees.”_

_Kili tilts his head to the side. His uncle’s got a point._

_“Fili! C’mon, we’ll check under that tree!”_

_Fili looks up from where he’s randomly digging a hole in the forest ground. There are specks of dirt on his face and Kili reaches out to poke Fili’s nose, causing him to scrunch it up. Kili giggles and grabs Fili’s hand, dragging him to the tree Frerin pointed to. They both start digging with their little shovels, and all too soon something gold glitters in the earth._

_“Fili!” Kili screams. “Look!” He throws his shovel to the side and digs with his fingers instead, the earth clumpy but loose beneath them. It doesn’t take long to dig two gold coins up._

_“Look!” Kili clutches them in his hands and beams. Frerin has stepped up to them and crouches down, inspecting the gold in Kili’s dirty palms._

_“That’s a fine treasure you found there, Kili. And there’s two, so you can keep one and give one to Fili.”_

_Kili considers for a moment. He would’ve liked to keep both, but uncle Thorin only lectured him yesterday about being fair and sharing and all that. At the time Kili had thought it only applied to chocolate and cookies, but he supposes it might include finding gold as well. After all Fili did help him dig._

_“Here,” he holds one of the coins out to Fili. “We can buy all the toys at the market now!”_

_Fili hesitates and worries his bottom lip between his teeth before he takes the coin from Kili, turning it over in his hands. It shimmers in the light and Kili holds his own up, moving it back and forth to see if it does the same._

_“But won’t the wood fairies be sad if we steal their treasure?” Fili asks, looking up at Frerin with worried eyes. Kili looks up as well, not so much concerned about taking the treasure, but about the wood fairies hunting them down if they find it gone._

_“Ah, don’t you worry about that, little one,” Frerin grins, closing Fili’s hand over the coin. “I know for a fact that wood fairies hide treasure for well-behaved little dwarflings to find. You keep that and buy yourself something nice.”_

_Kili huffs and plops down on the forest floor, polishing his gold coin with the edge of his tunic. “Fili always saves his money,” he pulls a face._

_Frerin laughs and tells them to pack up so they’ll back in Erebor for dinner. Now that his uncle mentioned it, Kili can hear his stomach rumbling like an angry bear, demanding food. He stows the coin safely in the pocket of his tunic before picking up his things, holding Fili’s hand all the way back to Erebor._

_“What on earth have you been up to?”_

_Dis’ voice stops Kili mid-step and he looks up with wide eyes at his mother standing in the doorway, hands on her hips and eyebrows narrowed._

_“I was going to wash my hands?” He tries. Mama likes it when he washes his hands before dinner without having to be reminded._

_“You’ll have to wash more than just your hands!” Sighing she stalks over and looks critically at Kili and Fili._

_“We found treasure!” Kili attempts to salvage the situation, holding up his gold coin._

_“Did you now? By the looks of it you overturned the entire forest digging for that!”_

_“We didn’t!” His mother is missing the point entirely._

_“Look at the floor! It’s all covered in mud.”_

_Kili sighs and scruffs his boots against the floor, which only seems to get it dirtier as clumps of mud fall from the soles. When he glances up he sees uncle Frerin behind his mama, pulling faces and putting his hands on his hips in an over-exaggerated manner. Kili tries to stiffen a giggle._

_“Oh do you think that’s funny?”_

_"No, mama," Kili replies dutifully. In the background Frerin pulls a face and next to him Fili starts shaking with suppressed giggles._

_"We'll see how funny it is when you clean up all the dirt you just dragged in!" Dis takes a deep breath, no doubt preparing to continue her tirade, when Fili makes a squeaky noise. She looks at him, mouth hanging open, and Fili starts laughing._

_"What...," for a moment she looks lost before she whirls around, an accusing finger pointing at Frerin, who has his hands clasped behind his back and looks perfectly angelic._

_"You!"_

_"Me? Me what, sister dear?" Frerin smiles innocently and Kili falls into Fili's side, laughing._

_"What did you do?"_

_Kili is glad that for once he's not on the receiving end of the glare his mother is no doubt aiming at Frerin._

_"I didn't do anything, dearest sister. What do you say we send the little ones to wash their hands and then we have dinner? Treasure hunts are extremely exhausting, in case you didn't know." He winks and makes a shooing motion, sending Fili and Kili from the room in giggles before Dis can turn on them again._

-

Fili is still sleeping when Kili returns, sweaty and sore from the vigorous workout Mister Dwalin put him through. He stands in the doorway and watches the rise and fall of Fili’s chest for a few moments, noting how his body never fully relaxes, not even in sleep, before he walks into the living room to see if his mother left some food for him. Kili leaves the door to his room cracked open, in case Fili wakes up and needs something.

-

_“Papers? Whatever are you talking about, boy?” Nigug’s voice is pitying, but the steel in his eyes belies his mock care. “There are no papers.”_

_“But…,” Fili’s eyes widen as his eyes roam over the council, the king, not finding a single look of sympathy. It feels like his stomach is turning inside out, ice spreading through his spine as he realises that he’s empty-handed, that he has nothing to prove the truth of his claims. When Master Niduk’s health started to rapidly decline he had promised to set Fili free. Surely he had written up the papers and stored them with the rest of his testament? The testament that Nigug’s lawyer friend had handled._

_Oh._

_How could he have been so stupid? Fili wants to cry in frustration. He should’ve known that it was too good to be true, his dreams of returning to Erebor a free dwarf stupid and naive._

_“There are no freedom papers to be found, nor have any been forwarded to the council?” The council members shake their head at King Dain’s question. “Well, that settles the matter. He is yours, Nigug.”_

_“Thank you, your majesty.” Nigug turns triumphant eyes on Fili, making his blood run cold. All the whispered threats and thinly veiled insults of the past years run through his mind and Fili takes a step back, his mind screaming and denying the truth of the situation. With Niduk gone there is nobody left to protect him. Fili is a helpless cub facing a dragon._

_One of the guards puts a heavy hand on his shoulder, keeping him from stepping back further. Fili swallows and tries to breathe._

_“Bring him back to my chambers,” Nigug orders and the grip on Fili’s shoulder tightens._

_He stumbles all the way back, dread growing and pulsing in his stomach. The guard at least is kind, holding Fili up when he trips over his own feet. Fili finds no comfort in it, not when he is brought back to the very chambers he had finally escaped from._

~

Fili drifts back to awareness when somebody shakes his shoulder and immediately goes completely still. He is drenched in sweat and shivering at the same time.

“Fili. Fili, wake up.” The voice is gentle and followed by another shake of his shoulder.

Fili swallows and cracks his eyes open slowly. The room is bathed in semi-darkness, only a few torches along the walls breaking through the darkness. As he blinks, Kili’s face swims into focus, all wide eyes and bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“I didn’t mean to wake you, but it seemed like you were having a bad dream.”

The apologising is something Fili can’t get used to. Is Kili really sorry or is it his way of letting Fili know that he’s been sleeping for far too long?

Kili saves him from having to reply by holding out a glass of water. “Here, take a sip, it’ll make you feel better.”

Fili sits up slowly, mindful of the bruises that still hurt, and takes the glass from Kili. He half expects to have the water thrown in his face, but Kili continues to smile and Fili’s shoulders drop. The water soothes his dry mouth and sore throat and Fili has to restrain himself from gulping it down. He’s still thirsty when he’s finished the glass, but doesn’t dare ask for more.

“Better?” Kili takes the glass from him and puts it back on the nightstand.

“Yes. Thank you.” Fili looks down at the bedding. His sleep shirt is damp with sweat and he shivers.

“How about that bath now?”

Ice crawls through Fili’s veins at Kili’s suggestion. It’s time for payment after all.

“If you feel well enough, you can take one by yourself and I’ll be waiting outside. Would that be all right?”

Fili catches his bottom lip between his teeth before he nods. He can do this, it’ll be fine. His hands continue to shake.

~

Steam is rising into the air from the bath and Fili takes a few moments to inhale deeply, the moist air easing his breathing. He stands for a few moments, afraid the illusion will shatter around him if he moves. He hasn’t been granted privacy like this in years. Eventually takes off his damp sleep shirt and breeches, carefully laying the garments out to dry while he baths. All stays quiet and nobody barges in.

Approaching the bath, Fili sits down on the edge of it and tips his toes in, shuddering. It’s nice and hot. Legs in the water, he scoots to the edge of the pool, putting his hands flat on either side of himself before lifting himself into the bath. Fili’s eyelids flutter and he can’t help but make a content noise as water chases away the chill that has settled in his bones and washes away the cold sweat. There are no hands dragging him down and bruising him, and Fili exhales slowly. No need to panic.

What little moving about he’s done has exhausted him, so Fili leans against the edge of the bath and closes his eyes, lazily moving his hands in the water. The heat relaxes his tense muscles, makes the soreness a little easier to bear. But most of all Fili relishes that he’s able to get _clean_ , really clean, by himself and in peace. It feels special and Fili leans his head back, watching the gemstones sparkle on the ceiling. It’s quiet in the room except for water sloshing around when he moves. It’s bliss.

It doesn’t last, a knock on the door making Fili jump and causing his pulse to quicken, his hands to tremble. His eyes fix on the door, widened in fear of the predator pouncing.

“Fili?” Dis peers into the room, smiling when she spots him in the bath. “Hello, darling. I brought you some fresh clothes.” She bustles into the room with neatly folded fabric in her arms, placing it on the valet stand. “Are you doing all right by yourself?”

“Y-yes.” Apart from the fact that Fili feels like his heart wants to smash right through his ribcage. He tries to calm down, counting his inhales and exhales, but he can’t stop his nails from scratching nervously up his thighs. It’s just Dis. Just Dis. The mantra runs through Fili’s mind, frantic at first, then slowing down along with his heartbeat.

Dis frowns at the water and makes a tutting noise. “Trust Kili not to tell you where everything is.”

Fili tracks her movements as she walks over to a small cabinet in the corner, retrieving a few items from it.

“Here’s a fresh washcloth, and some soap. The white one is goat’s milk, the yellow one is lemon.”

Dis sets down two metal dishes engraved with the royal crest at the edge of the bath, the soaps in them of a rich colour and perfectly rounded, no doubt the finest quality.

"If you need anything else or start feeling unwell, call for us."

Fili tears his gaze away from the soaps and looks up at Dis. "Are...are you sure I may use them?" They're so pristine and perfect, just like the white linen washcloth she's laid out, and Fili is a dirty slave.

Dis looks down at him and for a few seconds her expression is unguarded and full of sadness. Then she puts on a smile and nods. "I am. Now you enjoy your bath while I see that there are fresh sheets put on your bed."

With a final smile she leaves and Fili is alone once more. His heart is still beating a little too fast, but the shaking of his hands has calmed down into a faint tremble. It takes him a few moments to work up the courage to take washcloth and soap. Touching them feels _wrong_ , like tracking mud all over a spotless floor.

Fili starts washing himself, dragging the washcloth over his marred skin and leaving creamy suds behind. The bruises don't fade, no matter how much he scrubs at them, and the scars don't grow any less hideous, but when Fili’s skin is flushed and pink from the too harsh treatment, he feels a semblance of cleanliness.

He stays in the water until it turns cold. The clothes Dis brought are made of simple cotton, soft and warm. The fact that they aren’t sleepwear isn’t lost on Fili, making an uncomfortable feeling settle in his stomach as he leaves the bathroom. What will be expected of him now?

The bed is freshly made and the fire in the hearth rekindled, filling the room with soft snapping sounds and comfortable warmth. Kili is reading in an armchair, putting his book aside the second he catches sight of Fili.

“Did you enjoy your bath?”

Fili nods and curls his toes into the soft carpet, unsure what to do with himself.

“Mama says you should join us in the living room for the evening, if you want.” The chair scrapes against the floor as Kili stands up. “Or would you rather lie down? We just thought you might be tired of seeing the same four walls every day.”

Others might feel caged but Fili is content in Kili’s room. He’s come to associate it with safety and comfort and if it were up to him, he’d never ever leave. But it would be ungrateful to decline Dis’ offer, and even though it's phrased like Fili has a choice, he doesn't think he actually does.

"Yes, of course." He has to bite his tongue to not add 'master'.

"Awesome!" Kili reaches out as if to grab him and Fili flinches.

"Sorry," Kili mumbles sheepishly, like he’s the one at fault. He doesn't try to touch Fili again, but walks in front of him out into the open space of the living room. It's just as lavishly decorated as Fili remembers, polished metal and gemstones glittering everywhere. The red carpet and tapestries make it cosy. Thorin is reclining in an armchair with his pipe and nods at them in greeting before returning his attention to the parchment in his hands. Dis, on the settee, is pouring over a book, tapping a quill thoughtfully to her chin.

"Come sit in front of the fire so you don't get cold." Kili shows Fili to a plush looking armchair that's all red upholstery and golden frame, right by the fireplace. Fili remembers it as the best spot in the room and hardly dares to sit down. With Kili's expectant eyes on him he sits down quickly, expertly masking his grimace of pain.

"I can help you with your hair, if you want."

Fili has barely gotten comfortable when Kili's next words make him go stiff. His hair is a mess atop of his head, not taken care of in a long time. Every once in a while Nigug would get angry at the state of it and deliver a beating with a brush before harshly tugging the brush through the blond snarls, ripping out rather than detangling it, a brutal violation of an act meant to be performed only by loved ones. In the beginning Fili had still been taking care of his hair, remembering Master Dori's words, but that had angered his master all the same. 'Prissy little thing' he would snarl, shouting at Fili for his vanity.

"If...if you wish."

Kili looks disappointed with his answer, like he expected something else, but nods and walks over to a drawer in the corner. Dis looks up and gives Fili a reassuring smile as Kili returns with a silver comb and puts one of his hands on Fili's hair.

"Is this all right?" He doesn't proceed until Fili jerks his head in a nod. He can tell that Kili tries his best to work the tangles out as gently as possible, but it still hurts and Fili fights not to recoil. Closing his eyes he focuses on breathing, a tactic that has seen him through much worse pain.

“I’m sorry.” Kili mumbles, wincing in sympathy. He keeps working with determination and soon enough the comb glides through Fili’s hair without the teeth catching on tangles. He thinks they’re done but Kili’s fingers return to his hair once he’s put the comb away, and start braiding. Fili closes his eyes and worries his bottom lip between his teeth, focusing on breathing for entirely different reasons. Nobody’s braided his hair since he left Erebor and Fili isn’t sure if he deserves such adornments. Even in his absence, Master Nigug’s words stick with him.

“Done. Well…kind of.” Kili tilts his head to the side as he looks at Fili’s hair. His words cause Dis to raise her head. “Oh Kili,” she laughs.

Fili anxiously looks between them and tentatively raises his hand to feel his hair and see what Kili has done. There are two simple braids holding his hair back from his face, bumpy and uneven under Fili’s fingers.

“What is it with you and braids?” Thorin sighs and shakes his head.

“I’ll redo them.” Dis makes to stand up, but Fili shakes his head, drawing in a deep breath before he speaks.

“I-I like them.”

Kili beams and something eases in Fili’s chest.

~

_“That’s a very. . . interesting look you’re sporting there, your royal grumpiness.”_

_Thorin glares at Frerin, the effect ruined a second later when Kili yanks on his hair and he grimaces._

_Frerin, the smug bastards, grins around his pipe._

_“Done!”_

_Thorin cringes when his sister-son screams in his ear. Lifting a hand he fingers the uneven braids in his hair. “Well done, lad, but I think you’ll need a little more practice.”_

_Kili leans forward against Thorin’s back and rests his head on his uncle’s shoulder. “But practicing is boring,” he sighs with all the world-weariness a little dwarfling can muster._

_“Only practice makes perfect though, and you want to be able to braid your mate’s hair one day, don’t you?” Thorin asks, turning sideways and wrapping an arm around Kili’s waist to steady him._

_“Yes,” Kili mumbles, rubbing his cheek against Thorin’s shoulder._

_“Go on then, you still have the other side to do. Can’t leave me going around with only half of my hair braided, can you?”_

_Kili sighs and sags more against him. “Can’t Fili do it?”_

_Thorin sighs. Whenever Kili doesn’t want to do something he makes Fili do it instead. Even now, before Thorin can tell him no, Fili has already stood up from where he’s been drawing on the floor, ready to finish what Kili started._

_Happy to have gotten his way Kili squirms his way down and takes Fili’s vacated spot, grabbing one of the waxy pencils and starting his own drawing. Fili, in turn, lets Thorin help him up onto the chair and starts braiding, his fingers gentler than Kili’s and his movements more coordinated. His braid turns out perfect and even._

-

Dinner is awkward. Fili stares down at his plate full of food and his stomach churns. Oin deemed it safe for him to start eating small portions of solid food, but warning him not to overeat and stop before he felt completely full. The problem is that there is no way Fili can’t not finish the food on his plate. It would be ungrateful, and part of him is still screaming at him to eat his fill while he can. Who knows when his next meal will be?

Ignoring the conversation around him Fili focuses on cutting the roast chicken on his plate. Knife and fork feel foreign in his hands, as does eating at a table. He’s used to sitting beside it, accepting whatever leftovers his master gives in cruel kindness.

The food is delicious, hot and rich in flavour, but it settles heavily in Fili’s stomach. He should stop eating, but instead keeps on cutting, chewing, and swallowing. It's the best food he's had in years and he can't let it go to waste, nor offend the royal family by not accepting what they see fit to feed him. Nigug taught him to appreciate what he is given.

"Are you enjoying your meal, Fili?"

Fili looks up at Dis while chewing and nods, swallowing quickly. "Yes, thank you."

"Good," Dis' smile is full of warmth and Fili's breath hitches. "Only eat as much as you can, all right? We don't want you to overdo it."

Fili nods again and looks down at his plate. Despite Dis’ words he finishes his food, even as his stomach starts feeling tight, for fear of losing that warm smile.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has taken me forever to update again and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I had chapter seven written, but I wasn't happy with it so I deleted 4000 words and started from scratch. This is part of why this has taken so long. I hate making you all wait, but I would rather post a chapter I am happy with, then give you something half-arsed just for the sake of updating. I hope that you like this chapter *bites nails nervously*
> 
> Oh and here look at the AMAZING art linane did for this story. [click](http://linane-art.tumblr.com/post/80623370260/for-the-lovely-kopperblaze-an-illustration-to-her) Seriously, check it out and leave her tons and tons of lovely comments. I still get giddy and kick my legs every time I look at it because it is perfection.

* * *

 

Fili stumbles towards the privy, barely making it in time before his stomach contracts and turns, rejecting all the food he forced it to accept. He groans and closes his eyes, tries to draw a steady breath. He couldn't have declined the kindness offered to him, but Fili still wishes he had eaten less. He can only hope that nobody will find out about him throwing up.

Once his stomach settles enough for him to stop retching, Fili leans back and exhales slowly. He's drenched in cold sweat and trembling, yet he feels like he is burning up. His throat is raw and inflamed, the taste of bile still heavy on his tongue. Looking around blearily Fili finds the basin full of water is too far out of his reach and instead lies down on the stone floor. It's wonderfully cold against his flushed cheek and he closes his eyes. He'll get up in a minute. Just a minute.

He must've fallen asleep because the next thing he knows is startling awake when somebody touches his shoulder.

"Fili?"

When Fili has blinked the sleep from his eyes, Thorin's face swims into focus above him. His long, dark hair is in a simple sleeping braid and his eyes are a little puffy, like he just woke up. Fili starts trembling all over again.

"I'm s-sorry."

Thorin frowns and shakes his head, stroking sweat-soaked strands of hair away from Fili's face. "What happened? Did you get sick?"

"I'm sorry," Fili repeats, averting his eyes. Thorin sighs.

"Fili, there is no need to apologise. You should have woken one of us if you felt bad. You probably ate too much."

Fili ducks his head. Thorin will think twice now before giving him food. He must be disgusted by the gluttony Fili displayed. It's yet another test Fili has not passed. Once more he hasn’t done what he’s supposed to. He pays attention, he really does, and tries to work out the rules, but he always gets it wrong.

"Let's get you back to bed." Thorin helps Fili to sit up, and despite the dizziness Fili struggles to his feet right away. He does his best not to flinch and pull away when Thorin guides him back to his room. He expects a blow to come, or at least a nasty comment, but Thorin helps him into bed and hands him a glass of water without the tiniest flicker of anger.

"Do you want me to call Oin?" Thorin sits down in the chair next to the bed and looks at Fili, his blue eyes piercing Fili's fragile facade.

"No," Fili shakes his head.

"All right, but I will ask him to stop by in the morning anyway," Thorin says. His words sound so final that Fili doesn't dare protest. He can feel Thorin’s eyes on him and stares down at the blanket.

“Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?” Thorin asks eventually. Although he’s speaking lowly, his voice reverberates in the room, filling even the nooks and crannies. As a child Fili had loved Thorin’s voice, so deep that it felt like it wrapped around him like a blanket. He wishes it still held the power to chase away the monsters, but there are too many dark places in his mind now that it can't reach.

“Yes. Thank you,” he replies without looking up. He hears the rustling of Thorin’s clothes as he gets up, but instead of leaving he leans over the bed and puts his fingers under Fili’s chin, making him look up. Fili stares at Thorin’s beard to avoid his eyes, finding a testament to the time that has passed in the stray grey hairs mixed in here and there in Thorin's stubble. They stay like that for a few moments, until it becomes clear that Thorin won’t speak until Fili looks up. Up close he looks exhausted, but he smiles when Fili’s eyes meet his.

“I know you may not believe me, but you are safe here, Fili. We will not send you away and nothing will happen to you. You are safe. I’ll repeat it as often as it is necessary and you believe me.” He strokes his thumb over the stubble on Fili’s jaw before pulling away. “Good night.”

Fili watches Thorin leave without moving a muscle, eyes fixed on his broad back until he’s gone from the room. Even then it takes a few more seconds before the trembling starts and Fili slides down on the bed, curling up around one of the pillows and letting the fabric soak up his hot tears. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, but as opposed to the countless tears he’s shed in his life, this time they feel almost liberating.

~

“I brought you something!” Kili wobbles over to the bed, a stack of books in his arms which he drops on the bed next to Fili. “I thought you might be getting bored, seeing the same four walls every day.”

Fili’s eyes flick from the books to Kili’s beaming smile and back. His stomach turns. He swallows hard and his heart beats so wildly that Fili thinks Kili must hear it crashing against his ribs.

“Fili?” Kili’s satisfied smile falls. “What’s wrong?”

Clenching his teeth Fili stares at the books. Should he go along with this? What’s one more charade, one more facade to uphold? The thought makes his stomach queasy though and all of a sudden his fears and anxieties are pushed back by something else. There’s a hot feeling deep inside his gut, anger that has long been forgotten flickering to life.

No. No, he’s not going to lie just to save Kili’s face. Because in that moment Fili wants nothing more than to see Kili crumble, to dump the full weight of his guilt on his carefree shoulders like he deserves.

A second later Fili nearly suffocates on guilt himself. How can he be so spiteful and bitter? No wonder Mahal has turned his back on such an ugly, hateful creature.

“Fili?” Kili asks again, voice full of concern. “Are you all right? Should I call Oin?”

“No. No, it’s…it’s fine,” Fili mumbles, picking at the skin of his nails. “Th-thank you for the books but,” he hesitates, pressing his fingernail against the already bloody skin next to his thumb, “I can’t read.” _And it’s your fault._

“You- oh.” Kili shifts his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other as an awkward silence falls between them. Kili sits down heavily in the chair by the bed, like an invisible force is pressing him down. “I’m sorry.”

Fili pulls his shoulders up higher but doesn’t say anything. An apology is of no use to him; it doesn't undo the past. And yet, yet Fili knows that it was nothing but the thoughtless actions of a child and he shouldn’t blame Kili for it. He had never been a very attentive child, blind to the consequences until pointed out to him. He wasn’t consciously cruel. The many times Fili’s seen him cry after having his eyes opened to what his actions caused are a testament to that.

No, Fili really shouldn’t blame Kili’s for something he did over twenty years ago. Yet the words to accept the apology won’t come and the flame of anger refuses to be snuffed out.

“I…I could teach you?” Kili suggests hopefully, though his voice only holds a shred of his usual confidence.

“You don’t have to,” Fili replies, his eyes tracing the pattern of his blanket. It always stays the same and he draws comfort from that.

“But I want to. Though, I guess I’m probably not a very good teacher. Mama always complains that my handwriting is atrocious.” Fili doesn’t have to look to know that Kili is pulling a face before smiling sheepishly.

“But I’ll ask Ori! He’s Master Balin’s apprentice and really good with books and reading and things.” Kili grows more animated again, leaning forward in the chair and taking Fili’s hand. “He’s a really good teacher too. I promise you’ll like him. Everybody likes Ori.”

Fili’s nostril’s flutter as he exhales evenly, his fingertips twitching against Kili’s hand. The very last thing Fili needs is yet another person he’s indebted to.

~

_“See, that’s an ‘F’. Like in Fili.”_

_Fili nods, brows furrowed as he studies the rune Thorin points at._

_“Try writing it.”_

_Lips pressed together in concentration Fili dips the quill into the ink and carefully taps the tip against the edge of the inkpot to get rid off any excess, like Thorin taught him. He puts his palm on the parchment to keep it in place and casts another quick glance at the rune before trying to copy it._

_The quill has barely touched the parchment when the door flies open and Fili flinches._

_“Uncle! Fili!” Kili screams as he races across the room and throws himself at Thorin with reckless abandon. Fortunately for both of them Thorin has the presence of mind to catch Kili around the waist._

_“What’s the ma-“_

_“You promised we’d go to the forge today after my lessons. It’s today after my lessons! We can go now!”_

_“Kili, there is no need to scream,” Thorin groans, trying to keep his squirming nephew in his lap. “Fili and I are not done for the day yet.”_

_Momentarily stilling, Kili wrinkles his nose and looks at the books and parchment on the desk. “But that’s boring. I bet Fili wants to go to the forge too. Right, Fili?”_

_Fili looks between Thorin and Kili before biting his bottom lip and staring down at the parchment._

_“Kili-“_

_“See, he wants too! He just doesn’t wanna say because he doesn’t want you to be mad because lessons are boring,” Kili explains very seriously, looking up at Thorin. Before he even has a chance to reply Kili has squirmed out of his grip and impatiently tugs on the sleeve of his tunic. “Let’s gooooooo.”_

_Thorin sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fili, I think we’re done for the day.” There really is no point in continuing. When he opens his eyes again he finds Fili nodding resignedly, staring at the blotches of ink on the parchment where Kili bumping against Fili and the table has caused the quill to drip._

~

The thought of Dwalin’s anger should he be late for training eventually makes Kili leave, but not without promises of talking to Ori. When he’s gone the silence in the room is deafening at first after Kili’s constant chatter. Fili sighs and rubs his temples. He’s exhausted and he’s restless. For a while he looks at the lion he carefully put on the nightstand, before his eyes stray to the books Kili left. Biting his bottom lip Fili carefully pulls one into his lap. He traces the golden script on the cover with his index finger, following the smooth lines and wondering what they spell out. He tries to recall those lessons long ago, but the memories are blurry, the table of the khuzdul alphabet Thorin drew up on for him nothing but black spots on parchment. He can’t even remember what an ‘F’, like in ‘Fili’ looks like. He wouldn’t recognise his own name if it were written somewhere.

Opening the book Fili stares blankly down at the page, at the straight letters and elaborate decorations. It’s all the same to him, an entire world between the pages lost to him. Every dwarfling in the kingdom would know more about the runes than Fili.

Closing the book with a frustrated huff Fili turns away and curls up, staring at the wall instead. It doesn’t help to make breathing easier, so in the end Fili shuffles out of bed and stands up on unsteady legs. He’s suffocating in this room with the books and their taunting, reminding him of all the things he doesn’t have, all the chances he’s missed, and all the ways in which he comes up short. If Thorin and Dis find out, and undoubtedly they will, they will think him stupid, an idiot who is truly useless. After all, even simpletons can read.

Fili sighs and slowly sets about dressing himself in the clothes laid out on the chest by the bed. They hang off his frame, but they are warm and soft, much finer than he deserves.

There’s no mirror in the room, so Fili reaches up to assess the state of his hair. The wonky braids Kili put in yesterday are still there and he doesn’t have the heart to take them out. They’re a reminder that Kili cares, and Fili clings to that knowledge, tries to make himself believe it, and swallow back the bitter taste of tainted memories that seem out of context. Kili was a selfish child, yes, but he was never cruel, and as time passed he changed, looking out for Fili in his own way.

Lowering his hand Fili’s fingers stroke down his face. The swelling has gone down but he still hisses when he touches bruises. They are probably fading to yellow by now, or at least he hopes so. Still ugly, but better than purple and green. His lips are chapped and where his fingers touch it his beard feels a little longer than he was allowed to wear it. Such a silly little thing, really, but for a moment Fili entertains the possibility that he’ll be allowed to grow his beard. He knows chances are slim, surely once he is healed they will bring in a barber to take care of his appearance, but the thought alone, that split-second where he believes that in a few weeks he will have a beard, not just prickly stubble, makes him stand up a little straighter. Proper dwarves have beards.

_But you are not a proper dwarf, are you? You are weak and stupid._

Fili squeezes his eyes shut and clamps his lips against the whimper building in the back of his throat at Nigug’s taunting voice. The walls are closing in on him and before he knows what he’s doing, Fili moves towards the door and throws it open.

It’s quiet in the living room, the sound of soft singing cutting off as Fili stumbles from Kili’s room.

“Fili, I didn’t know you were awake.” Dis smiles at him from the settee. “Is there anything you need?”

“No. No, I’m fine. T-thank you.” Fili shakes his head and curls his socked toes into the carpet. He hasn’t worn socks in a long time and having warm feet is a wonderful feeling. He still doesn’t have boots, but Fili is used to that. Boots make it easier to run away, or so Nigug always said. He would have been stupid to give Fili a pair. Not that Fili deserved them anyway. Slowly he uncurls his toes and glances up. It looks like Dis is mending a tunic, and there’s a pile of clothes on the table in front of her.

“May I help you with something?” Fili asks, looking down again.

“If you really want to.” Fili is nodding before Dis has even finished her sentence. He is desperate to prove that he is of some value, that he can help around the household.

“Can you darn? Kili always manages to tear his clothes,” Dis sighs, shaking her head. “I thought that when he got older he’d be more careful, but he even finds a way to tear them while sitting at dinner. At this point I’m almost considering it a skill.” She huffs, but smiles again when Fili moves to the settee, nodding encouragingly for him to sit down.

Fili picks up one of the tunics from the pile and inspects it, keeping his eyes down. “This is not work you should be doing, my lady,” he murmurs, awkward in addressing her. It’s servants’ work, not that of nobility, and an easy enough task that Fili could perform in his sleep. The first few times he had had to mend Nigug’s clothes he had been too slow and his work too shabby, but a few beatings and the sympathetic advice of a chamber maid later had seen his work improving quickly.

“It’s just a little mending,” Dis says, shaking her head and continuing her work. “It’s easy enough for me to do, why would I bother anybody else with it? I would make Kili do it himself, but I suspect he would accidentally manage to stab himself in the eye with the needle,” she laughs.

Frowning down at his work, Fili isn’t sure how to reply or what to think. Dis is of the line of Durin, a princess. She has every right not to take up tasks better suited to the rough hands of servants and slaves.

At least the push and pull of the needle is monotonous and comforting, giving Fili something to focus on, and helping him to relax.

“How are you feeling?” Dis eventually asks into the silence. Fili is aware of her eyes on him, but doesn’t stop his work.

“I am we-“

“No, how are you really, Fili? Nobody expects you to be well after what you’ve been through.”

Fili frowns down at the tunic and pushes the needle through the fabric with more force than necessary as he mulls over his reply.

“I am…better than I have been in a long time.” It’s an honest answer, yet it hopefully shows his gratefulness for the kindness he’s been receiving.

“That is good to hear.” Dis reaches over and takes Fili’s hand, her hold loose enough that he can pull away if he wants to. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ though. Tell me what’s on your mind?”

Fili presses his lips together as his breathing grows a little heavier, eyes tracing the pattern stitched around the hems of the tunic. Should he tell her the truth? But what if it’s all a scheme to get him to do just that? What if he’ll be punished if he speaks the truth?

Dis squeezes his hand gently. Her fingers are warm against his and Fili reminds himself that she’s not cruel. She’s never been cruel.

“But…I am unsure of my place here,” he says, his voice breaking halfway through. Fili swallows hard. “I am afraid that…you will find me lacking.” And he’s angry too, but Fili bites his lips and keeps that to himself. When Dis sighs he flinches and tries to pull his hand away, but Dis keeps a firm hold this time.

“It saddens me that you feel this way, but I think it is to be expected.” She shifts a little closer and squeezes his hand again until he looks up. “I’m glad you told me the truth.” Dis’ smile loosens something in Fili’s chest and he realises that he’s shaking.

“We’ll work through this together, Fili, all right? I will do my best to help you, and I will start by saying that neither I, nor Thorin or Kili, find you lacking. I understand that it must be difficult to readjust to being here. If you cannot imagine yourself as a member of our family then I hope that at least you will accept your place here as that of a dear friend. We are happy to have you back in our lives, Fili, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that will ever change that, I promise you. You don’t need to prove yourself to us, or earn your place. You’ve always had a place here.”

Fili looks down, his vision swimming as he blinks rapidly. He wants to ask why they didn’t help him then, why nobody came for him, but he swallows down his bitterness and tries to focus on the present. In the end they did rescue him from the clutches of the monster. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?

“Thank you,” he chokes out. Dis lets go off his hand and pulls him into a hug, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“Promise me that you will come and talk to me if you are feeling insecure or unsure?” Dis asks, pulling back a little and smiling, pushing messy strands of hair away from Fili’s face.

“I will.” Fili wipes his cheeks and blinks the last of the wetness from his eyes. “Thank you.”

Dis pats his cheek before going back to work. “Thank you for keeping me company, I know this is not the most exciting work.”

“I like it.” It’s finally something that Fili knows how to do and it takes his mind off of things too.

Together they get through the pile of clothes quickly enough, the silence between them comfortable.

“All done,” Dis sighs once Fili has folded the last tunic carefully and put it with the others. “I think we deserve a reward now. Cookies might still be a bit too much for your stomach to handle, but what do you say to tea and some toasted bread with butter?”

Fili skipped breakfast this morning for fear of throwing up again, but now his stomach grumbles embarrassingly loud. He ducks his head, but Dis just laughs.

“I’ll take that as a yes. You make yourself comfortable, dear, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Fili watches her leave the room before slowly sinking back against the settee. It’s peaceful and quiet and closing his eyes he takes a deep breath. The tight feeling in his chest doesn’t return and Fili exhales with a small smile.

~

Ori is one of the least intimidating dwarves Fili has ever met. He knows better than to let that lull him into a sense of safety though. There was a lady in the Iron Hills Nigug was friends with. She was pretty and well-spoken, with a smile so bright that dwarves would fall over themselves in order to please her and have it bestowed upon them. Fili had made the mistake of assuming that her soft words and her tinkling laugh meant that she was kind. She was lovely and proper like a lady ought be in public, but behind closed doors she made a sport out of mocking Fili. Her words had always managed to cut deeper than any of the wounds his master inflicted.

No, Fili truly knows better than to let looks deceive him. Ori with his knitted cardigan and his knock-knees and his shy smile may look nice, but he still sets Fili on edge.

"I don't know if you remember Ori," Kili smiles, plopping down on the bed. "We used to play with him sometimes, but he was still a baby back then."

Ori scrunches up his nose. "I wasn't a baby."

Kili waves his hand dismissively. "Whatever. He agreed to tutor you." He smiles at Fili like this is truly the most wonderful thing in the world and not a situation that puts Fili under all kinds of stress.

Ori scratches the bridge of his nose while keeping the heavy book he's been carrying clutched to his chest. "How much do you know, Fili? Just so I can get an idea with what to start."  
Fili looks between Kili and Ori as his throat works. Kili is still beaming like a dwarfling on Durin's day, while Ori fails utterly at disguising his looks of pity. Fili's words get stuck in his throat, red-hot and burning.

"Kili, there's no need for you to stay," Ori says politely when the silence tips into awkwardness.

"What? But I-"

"No, I need you to leave," Ori says in a tone so gentle and firm he reminds Fili of Dis. Setting the book down on the bed he gives Kili a push towards the door. "I can't focus with you here, Kili."

"Can't focus...what?" Kili stumbles towards the door like a scolded child.

"You are distracting! You've always been. It's why Mister Balin always made you stand in the corner. As you so rightfully pointed out, we are not babies anymore, and I really don't want to make you stand in the corner, so I think it's better if you leave."

Kili huffs. "Fine. But if he's mean to you Fili you scream, all right? I'll be outside."

The door closes behind him with a little more force than necessary, leaving Fili and Ori alone.

"Right." Ori exhales and sits down in the chair, smiling at Fili. "I figured you'd probably be more comfortable this way. And we can just start from the beginning, if you want?"

Fili nods slowly, still not entirely sure what just happened. Kili arranged these lessons for him, surely he will be cross for having been made to leave. Fili can only hope that his anger won't be directed towards him.

He doesn't have much time to dwell on it and work himself into a panic, because Ori opens the book he brought and puts it down in Fili's lap.  
"This is the khuzdul alphabet. It starts with A.”

~

Ori patiently goes over the alphabet with Fili for the better part of an hour, until Fili can't focus anymore, his brain buzzing with all the new information.

"That's enough for today I think," Ori smiles and closes the book. "You did very well, Fili. We'll have you reading in no time." He puts the book on the nightstand. "I'll leave this here for you if you want? It might be good if you look over it again tonight, just to refresh your memory. Then we can continue tomorrow."

Fili nods, filing away all the commands. He needs to memorise the alphabet better tonight. Maybe he can see if he remembers anything else from his reading lessons as a child. The sooner he can read the sooner Ori won't be burdened with him anymore.

"Yes. Thank you, Master Ori."

Ori pulls a face and shakes his head. "Oh no, you are making me feel terribly old and proper. Please just call me Ori."

"As you wish...Ori."

When Ori leaves Fili feels highly-strung, incapable of staying in bed and resting like Dis advised. Spotting one of Kili's discarded tunics on the floor, Fili gets out of bed and picks it up, inspecting the material. Sure enough there is a tear in the sleeve.

"Fili!" Kili comes back into the room, making Fili flinch.

"Did you enjoy it? Ori said you did very well,” Kili asks. When his eyes fall on the tunic Fili is holding he raises an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

"I was...I was just going to mend your tunic."

"Oh." For a split second Kili's expression has Fili terrified that he isn’t allowed to touch Kili's things with his dirty hands. "You can do that? That would be great, then mama won't see that I tore it and won't get mad."

Fili exhales in relief. It's not much, but at least he has finally found the tiniest form of payment, a small way of making himself useful.

It's a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](http://kopperblaze.tumblr.com) and feel free to send me questions about this story or yell at me to be writing quicker ;)


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for the wonderful comments on the last chapter. I have yet to answer them, but please believe me when I say that each and every one makes me do a happy little dance <3 
> 
> Truth be told life has been very very hectic. I'm leaving to spend six months abroad in a week, so I haven't had much time to write. As with all skills, practice makes perfect. Not getting to write and read as regularly and often as I would like to, I have to admit that I feel like I've gotten a bit rusty and am really nervous about this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it and that it doesn't disappoint.

* * *

 

It’s been days since he’s been moved to his new room and still Fili can’t fill the space. Dis told him that it was only a guest room, much smaller than Kili’s, like she needed to apologise for it. Still it’s too big, too spacious and intimidating. There is a chest with clothes for him and a desk he has no use for, his only possession the lion on the nightstand (he’s been given a few tunics and breeches and socks and underwear, but Fili doesn’t think of them as his)

In Kili’s room nothing belonged to him, but at least it was cluttered and lived-in. Fili’s room, for all the comfort it is supposed to provide, feels barren like a cell. What good is having your own space when it intimidates you? It’s the same as the privilege of bathing. Fili gets to bath whenever he wants, but despite being clean, he doesn't feel comfortable, like his skin is fitting all wrong and there is a foulness inside of him that's impossible to wash away.

Scratching the skin on his arm, unable to relieve the itch, Fili looks back down at the runes on the parchment, narrowing his eyes. Ori says he is making great progress, but Fili feels that it is not enough. He wants to prove that despite Nigug’s assurances, he is not stupid, that he can learn this. That he can be normal. Normal dwarves are capable of reading.

His finger drags slowly over the parchment as he sounds out the words, whispering them under his breath. Some of the longer ones have him starting again and again until he thinks he's gotten them right. Licking his dry lips Fili blinks rapidly. His eyes are tired, but he’s not willing to stop. He’s halfway through the page, he might as well finish it.

A knock on the door makes him flinch and breaks his concentration. It’s another thing Fili won’t ever get used to, people knocking on his door like he has a say in who gets to come in. Even if it’s just pretend, it gives him the illusion of being in control. And even if he won’t ever not answer the door, at least he is given a warning, a few seconds to compose himself.

Before Fili gets a chance to respond, the door opens and Kili peers in, smiling when his eyes land on Fili.

“Are you reading again?” He walks in and closes the door behind himself, so effortlessly at ease and filling the empty spaces of the room with his presence that Fili feels even smaller. From a young age Kili has commanded the attention of the people around him and revelled in it. He grew up doing everything to be visible, while Fili grew up trying to be invisible.

“Yes,” Fili nods. “I am going over what Ori has been practicing with me this morning,” he adds, remembering that Kili likes longer answers instead of ‘yes’ and ‘no’.

“Isn’t that getting boring?” Kili asks, peering over Fili’s shoulder. “Ori’s been saying you’re making great progress, so I think you deserve the afternoon off.”

Fili nods slowly even though he doesn’t know what he would do with his afternoon. There are no clothes to mend, and last time he tried to clean the living room Thorin caught him, telling him what everyone else has been telling him since he’s been well enough to stand up: it’s not your duty to do this, it’s too strenuous, you should rest. They all mean well, but Fili has never felt so useless in all his life.

“I was thinking we could go for a walk,” Kili says, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet and inspecting a wand tapestry with great interest. Fili blinks, not sure if he’s imagining the slight red tint of Kili’s cheeks.

“A walk?”

“Yes. We could go to the forest. If you want, I mean. I just thought because there’s lots of dwarves around in Erebor you might be uncomfortable, and we used to go to the forest a lot and…that’s why I thought you might want to go,” Kili trails off, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I understand if you’d rather not. It was just a thought, it was stupid.”

“No. I…” Fili twists his fingers in the sleeves of his tunic, “It was a nice thought. I…I’d like to go.” At least he thinks he does. The thought of leaving the surroundings he’s grown used to is terrifying, and yet now that he’s been given the choice, Fili becomes aware of how desperate he is for a change of scenery. It’s like somebody asking you if your nose itches and you suddenly become aware that it does, in fact, itch.

Before he has a chance to rethink his decision, Kili grabs his hand with a wide smile and pulls him to his feet.

“Great, let’s go! You can borrow a pair of my boots, they should fit.”

There is a guard in front of the royal apartments, nodding to them as they leave. Otherwise the corridors are deserted. After all these years Fili still has a vague idea of Erebor’s layout, enough to know that Kili is taking the long way out, the one not taking them through Erebor’s busy centre. He’s not sure if it’s coincidence or thoughtfulness, but it makes a warm feeling spread in his chest.

The entire way, Kili doesn’t let go off his hand.  
~

Kili pushes at the stone door, grunting from the effort when it won’t budge. Nobody must’ve used it in a long time.

“I can help.” Fili takes a step forward, but Kili shakes his head.

“No. Mama would have my head if you injured yourself.”

Fili presses his lips together and curls his fingers into fists. He’s not made of glass, why does everybody insist on treating him like he is? He’s not strong or intelligent, Nigug had called him weak often enough, but there is a difference between weak and breakable. If anything, the past years have proved that Fili can endure pain. Nigug made him feel worthless, but put in a golden cage and kept from doing anything at all, Fili feels like a useless shell.

Eventually the door creaks and opens, inch by inch, while Kili’s head turns red from the effort. He’s panting by the time the gap is big enough for them to squeeze through.

“After you,” Kili grins and points towards the door before pushing his hair away from his eyes. Fili takes a tentative step closer, eyes transfixed on the sliver of light falling in through the opening. It rained most of the way to Erebor and Fili hasn’t seen the sun in a long, long time. The air drifting in smells fresh and clean and suddenly Fili can’t get outside fast enough.

The light is blinding. Shielding his eyes with his hand Fili blinks rapidly, inhales deeply. It feels like another link of the chain around his chest is falling away. Bit by bit, breathing gets easier. Fili stands there and savours the wind and the sunshine and the view like a parched dwarf savours the first swig of water.

Once his eyes adjust, Fili looks around. From up here he can see for miles and his heart beats faster. Nigug never allowed him outside without shackles. Free from iron burden and with the world at his feet, Fili feels a spark of true freedom.

“I forgot how nice the view is from up here,” Kili says, stepping up beside Fili and looking around.

“Did you never come here anymore?” As children they used to sneak out this way all the time. At least they thought they were sneaking, until Frerin stepped out of the door one evening, cheerfully informing them that it was time for dinner. Their secret spot had not been so secret after all, but it had remained special.

“No. I guess I didn’t see any reason to without you,” Kili shrugs. His hand twitches, like he wants to reach out and take Fili’s again, but in the end he curls his fingers into a loose fist. “We can stay up here if you want.” He doesn’t need to add that he thinks the way down might be too “strenuous” for Fili.

“No I…I would like to go to the forest.” Fili holds his breath after he says it, exhaling when Kili doesn’t yell but nods. They start the way down and although Fili knows that Kili is going slower than he usually would for his benefit, he is drenched in sweat by the time they reach the forest at the bottom of the mountain. His heart is beating quickly in his chest and his tunic sticks uncomfortably to his skin. Spending so much time in bed and only walking around the royal apartments have taken their toll.

“Let’s go to the stream? I’m thirsty,” Kili groans, not even waiting for Fili’s nod before he takes off.

~

_“But it’s so unfair,” Kili huffs and kicks his legs in the water, causing it to splash. It’s too cold to bathe in the stream, but Fili had suggested they take off their boots and hold their legs in. It’s not as fun as swimming, but it’s better than nothing._

_“Why can’t you come too?”_

_“Because you’re a prince and I’m a slave. Slaves don’t go to feasts,” Fili explains patiently, combing his hands through Kili’s hair. He messed up his braids while playing hide and seek, so Fili is putting them back in for him._

_“You’re my _friend_ ,” Kili pouts, kicking his legs angrily. _

_“Gimli is gonna be there, he’s your friend too,” Fili points out as he separates strands of hair and starts braiding them. He’s a little slower than mama, but he’s always careful not to pull on Kili’s hair._

_“Yes, but you’re my bestest friend,” Kili mumbles._

_“I’ll be up when you get back and you can tell me all about it.”_

_It’s still not the same, so Kili shrugs and sighs._

_“Don’t pout. You’ll get to wear really nice clothes and the set of beads Prince Thorin made for you. And there’s gonna be lots of food! I bet Master Bombur made chocolate fudge cake.”_

_Kili doesn’t understand why Fili always gets so excited over clothes and jewellery. Most of Kili’s nice clothes feel stiff and constricting, and jewellery means wearing braids, which Kili’s not too fond of._

_“I’ll bring you lots of chocolate fudge cake if there’s any,” Kili promises. He’ll have to be careful smuggling it back to their room, but Kili is the stealthiest dwarf in all of Erebor. Possibly Middle Earth._

_When Fili finishes braiding his hair they swap places. Kili’s braids never come out even like Fili’s and mama’s do. They’re loop-sided and weird looking, but Fili never complains._

_~_

The soft splashing of the water and the wind rustling the leaves are the only sounds around them, occasionally broken by the chirping of a bird. It’s peaceful and surreal, like Kili has taken Fili away to a different world.

Wiggling his toes in the water he smiles when Kili does the same before lightly nudging Fili’s foot with his own.

“We used to do this all the time,” Kili says. He’s looking at the water, smiling in a way that makes him look younger and softer. For a moment Fili almost believes he’s gone back to a time when they were carefree dwarflings, spending entire afternoons with their legs dangling in the water ,talking about adventures until their feet were wrinkly from the water.

Fili blinks and gazes down at his feet distorted by the water, making a vague sound of agreement. “Thank you for bringing me here.” Next to him Kili shifts and nods.

“I thought…since you used to like coming here that maybe it would…it would make you happy.” Kili plucks out a few blades of grass and rubs them between his fingertips before tossing them into the stream.

Fili nods and spreads his toes. While he doesn’t know if he’s happy, he knows for certain that he isn’t unhappy.

They sit in amicable silence for a while, Fili soaking up the wind and sunshine and the sounds of the forest. Kili hums a melody under his breath that Fili vaguely recognises, kicking his legs lazily in the water.

“If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?”

Fili frowns. Even without worrying if this is a trick question or not, he doesn’t have an answer.

“I don’t know.” It’s something Fili has never thought about. What use was there in such when even the simplest things were unattainable for him? He has stopped wanting a long time ago.

He’s taken aback when Kili reaches over and takes his hand. He’s not looking at Fili, eyes focused on the water, wrinkling his nose when the wind blows hair in his face. His cheeks hold more colour than before, probably from being outdoors.

“Well, once you know tell me all right?” He asks, squeezing Fili’s hand.

Fili turns back to the water and nods, squeezing back.

~

Fili is so relaxed that Kili almost doesn’t want to return to Erebor. But as the sun goes down it takes the warmth of the day with it and he feels Fili shivering next to him. They dry off and put their boots back on, slowly making their way back up to the door.

“I’m starving,” Kili huffs when they are halfway there. Judging by the fading daylight there is a good chance they missed dinner. “We’ll drop by the kitchens on the way,” he decides. Knowing Bombur he’ll be all too happy to make something for Fili that won’t upset his stomach.

“Are you… sure?” Fili asks. The nervous look Kili hates is back on his face and Kili considers moving to the forest with Fili.

“Yes. Bombur won’t mind, I promise.”

They make it up to the door as the sun is setting. Kili stops and gives Fili time to admire the view.

“We can come here again tomorrow, if you like.”

Fili’s shy smile when he turns and nods makes Kili’s heart beat faster.

They pass several dwarves on the way to the kitchen and Fili edges closer to Kili, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. After a moment’s hesistation Kili reaches out and brushes his hand against Fili’s.

“Almost there,” he murmurs, smiling at one of the ladies from court when she walks past them. She returns the smile but Kili doesn’t miss the way she scrutinises Fili and wrinkles her nose. His smile falls and Kili’s hands ball into fists at his side. He has never considered how the dwarves of Erebor are going to treat Fili. He had managed not to think about the Iron Hill dwarves, banishing all thoughts of the way Nigug and his companions taunted Fili because it sent him into silent, shaking anger that was eating him alive. And yet he has never considered how the dwarves of Erebor will treat a slave. Not that it matters, he is the crown prince. Anybody treating Fili badly, or even so much as looking at him the wrong way, will have to answer to him.

“Good day to you, my prince.”

Kili furrows his brows, fingernails digging into his palms. Can Uncle make it a law that people have to be nice to Fili? Probably not. And he can’t lock Fili away in their chambers forever either to keep him from harm. He has to make it clear that he won’t allow anybody to display a negative attitude towards Fili.

“My prince?”

All Kili has to do is establish Fili as member of the royal family. Yes, that’s it. Then everybody _has to_ respect him.

“Kili, lad!” Bombur’s pat on the shoulder pulls Kili out of his red frenzy. He hasn’t even noticed that they reached the kitchens.

“Bombur,” Kili forces himself to smile.

“Is everything all right?” Bombur asks, peering closely at Kili like he’s checking for injuries. “What can I help you lads with?”

“Yes. Everything’s fine. It’s just, Fili and I missed dinner, and I was wondering if maybe…”

“Say no more,” Bombur waves him off. “I think there is still some chicken pie left over, I know it’s your favourite. What would Fili like?”

Fili looks like a deer about to bolt when both, Bombur and Kili, turn to look at him. He swallows nervously and his eyes dart to the left and right.

“Would you like some chicken pie too?” Bombur offers, his smile unwavering. “I can always make you something else if you decide you don’t like it.”

Fili shakes his head quickly, tugging on the sleeves of his tunic. “No. I’ll like it for sure, thank you.”

“All right then. You lads sit down and I’ll heat some up for you.” Bombur beckons them into the kitchen. As soon as they’re sat down at the table, Bombur pushes various pots and pans and ingredients that are strewn over the tabletop aside and puts two mugs of ale down in front of them. “It’s good to see you again, Fili”

“Thank you,” Fili says, eyes fixed on the table. Bombur nods and smiles before going back to puttering around the kitchen. Fili casts a nervous look Kili’s way.

“Don’t worry. We’ll not get in trouble for this, I promise,” Kili whispers, grinning and taking a swig of his ale.

~

While Kili practically inhales his food, Fili only manages about half of what’s on his plate. Bombur, who always tells people to eat up, smiles at Fili and takes his plate away before handing both of them an apple.

“For the way,” Bombur says before sending them off. By now most dwarves have returned to the comfort of their own homes and the corridors are deserted. Kili takes a bite of his apple. “They’re really good,” he says, chewing noisily. “Sweet.” Fili nods, holding onto his apple like Bombur gave him a piece of treasure.

Thorin doesn’t appear to be home, but they find Dis in the living room, a book in her lap and a cup of tea in one hand. Kili doesn’t miss the way she looks Fili over, only smiling when she seems satisfied that he isn’t worse for wear.

“You two were out for long. Did you have a good time?”

“Yes. We went to the forest,” Kili answers, finishing his apple.

“Did you enjoy yourself too, Fili? Kili didn’t bully you into going, did he?”

“I didn’t bully him into anything!” Kili protests at the same time as Fili says “It was very kind of Kili to take me along.”

“All right, then,” Dis nods, studying them for a moment longer before smiling. “You look dead on your feet, dear. Go and get some rest. Take a bath before bed, if you want.”

“Thank you, mama.”

“I was talking to Fili,” Dis points out. “As far as I know you still have an essay to write for Master Balin, Kili.”

Kili puffs out his cheeks and stands up a little straighter. “I’m off age, mother. Certainly old enough to decide myself when-“

“Kili,” Dis interrupts him again, which isn’t very lady-like and frankly, rude. Not that Kili would ever say that to her face. “Go and do your homework.”

“It’s not homework.” Because homework is for dwarflings, and Kili is most certainly _not_. He’s an adult, and the essay for Balin is about important adult-stuff. Something to do with trade agreements, not that Kili is entirely sure. Still scowling he looks to the side, just in time to see the corners of Fili’s lips twitching.

“Are you…are you laughing at me?” Kili asks, mock indignant when really, Fili’s smile is the best thing in the world.

Fili head whips up and he looks at Kili with wide eyes before gazing down at the floor, shaking his head. “No. No of course not,” he mumbles quickly, stumbling over his words. Kili’s shoulders sink. He messed up again, forgetting to be careful with his words, forgetting that he can’t joke around with Fili like he does with his other friends.

“No, it’s all right, don’t worry. I would laugh at myself too,” Kili tries, reaching out and putting a careful hand on Fili’s shoulder. He’s all too aware that his mother is watching them like a hawk, so Kili steers Fili back towards his room and away from watchful eyes. “Mama is right, it’s been a long day. Are you tired?”

“A little.” Fili admits, easily letting himself be guided.

“I better go and get started on that essay,” Kili sighs when they stop at Fili’s door, shuffling his feet. He hesitates for a second before leaning in and hugging Fili. It’s not that Kili expected Fili to hug him back, but the way he goes completely rigid in Kili’s arms is distrubing and has Kili pulling back quickly. “I’ll…see you tomorrow,” he mumbles awkwardly before turning and walking back to his own room, failing to dislodge the heavy sense of disappointment that has settled in his core.

~

_Fili looks at the forest around him, at the sun peeking over the treetops, and inhales deeply. The air is clear and crisp and as he exhales it feels like some of the foulness inside of him is expelled as well._

_The crunch of boots on the frosty ground breaks the silence and Fili's peace. He tenses instinctively, not needing to turn around to know who approaches. Shivers run down his spine._

_"What're you thinking about?" Nigug's hot breath puffs against the shell of Fili's ear. He wants to pull away but his limbs refuse to move. "Are you wondering what's out there? Beyond the forest? Beyond the Iron Hills?"_

_Fili continues to look ahead, but Nigug's words have rendered him blind to the majestic beauty in front of him._

_"Are you thinking about running away?" Nigug hisses, his demeanour dropping from friendly to aggressive in a matter of seconds. Although Fili has anticipated it he still flinches when Nigug grabs his arm roughly and spins him around. His free hand grabs Fili's chin, fingers digging into his cheeks and squishing his lips together._

_"Listen closely, you useless piece of shit. If you so much as step foot outside of camp, we won't be hunting Orcs, we'll be hunting you. And do not think that I will grant you a merciful death," Nigug's fingers press into his flesh and Fili barely manages to nod in understanding._

_"Good," Nigug lets go and steps back, a cheerful smile on his face. Already turned to walk away he stops on his tracks and turns thoughtful eyes on Fili._

_"Frankly, I'm growing bored of you. You're spent. Hunting you might be more fun than bedding you. I suggest you think of something very special for tonight to convince me to keep you around, otherwise you'll be running with the rabbits tomorrow."_

~

“Fili?”  
Fili’s eyes fly open and he scrambles the hand touching his shoulder. His heart slams painfully against his ribcage and the phantom of Nigug’s breath is still tickling his neck. Reaching up Fili violently rubs at the skin as his eyes dart around the room. Kili is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking sheepish and not wearing a tunic. His clothes hide it, but now that his upper body is bare Fili can see the wiry muscles shifting beneath Kili’s skin. Suddenly he is all too aware of how easily Kili could overpower him. Maybe if he doesn’t fight it, if he relaxes and does whatever Kili wants, it won’t be so bad. Fili is good at pleasing his masters and it’s only fair that Kili finally wants something in return.

Nigug’s words continue to echo in his mind. Fili is the rabbit now, but he never even had a chance to run.

“I’m sorry I woke you,” Kili says, his smile impossibly growing even more sheepish as he reaches out and places his hand on Fili’s arm. Fili’s breathing keeps coming in quick, shallow gasps, no matter how much he tries to control it.

“Uncle wants me to attend a meeting today and I forgot that I tore the sleeve of my good tunic last time. Could you…mend it, maybe? I’ve seen you do it and mama always gets so angry and she’ll just lecture me and really, I should’ve left five minutes ago,” Kili bursts out, thrusting a balled up piece of blue fabric at Fili.

Blinking Fili looks at the tunic. A few heartbeats pass before he takes it with trembling hands. Kili just wants his tunic mended? It seems too good to be true and Fili glances up warily, only to find Kili’s pleading eyes on him. “Please, Fili?”

“Of course,” Fili murmurs, voice scratching painfully in his throat.

“Thank you!” Kili grins and hands him the sewing kit he thankfully had the foresight to bring. Fili doesn’t think his legs would have carried him at the moment. Unfolding the tunic he locates the rip in the sleeve. It looks like it snagged on something, tearing in an uneven line. With his hands still shaking it isn’t easy to work quick, but Fili does the best he can. It feels like his mind is racing, and yet his thoughts are blank. When he hands the tunic back to Kili his palms are sweaty.

“Thank you. I owe you. Mama and Thorin would’ve had my neck if I showed up like this,” Kili says, voice muffled as he pulls the tunic over his head. His stomach muscles flex and Fili looks the other way.

“I have to go now, but I’ll see you later. Apologies again for waking you.”

Suddenly there are arms around Fili and Kili squeezes him in a hug that has all air leaving Fili’s lungs. He pulls back as quickly as he leaned in and runs from the room, calling a goodbye. The blood rushes in Fili’s ears and he shivers, taking the lion from the nightstand and cradling it against his chest. His fingers find the familiar ridges in the toy and he traces them over and over again.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili grows attached, Fili struggles to adapt, and Dis and Thorin make an important decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings! I know it's been ages since I updated this and I cannot apologise enough for that complete fail on my part. The second half of 2014 was a rollercoaster for me and somehow this story got pushed to the side. 
> 
> My plans for 2015 include becoming a better and more prolific writer and I thought I should put that plan into action right away by sitting down and finally working on this story again. Enormous thanks goes to thegreensorceress, who held my hand, let me babble and bounce ideas, until I finally had a breakthrough on how to get this story where I want it to be. 
> 
> Thank you all for your patience, for your comments and encouragement. It means the absolute world to me and I really, really hope that you enjoy this chapter. It is a little of a filler chapter, but in chapter ten a lot of things are going to happen as we reach the second arc of this story. 
> 
> Happy 2015 to all of you and thank you for sticking around <3

* * *

_  
“You’re mean!” Kili’s voice echoes through the forest, shrill and high._

_“No, you are,” Fili whispers, hands balled into fists._

_“ **No** , you are! And you got us lost! It’s all your fault!” Kili glares up at Fili through the curtain of his messy hair. “Now you need to help me walk!” Kili looks like he wants to stomp his feet to make his point, but sitting on the forest floor, his ankle swollen, he can’t do more than slap his palm against the mossy ground. _

_Pressing his lips together Fili exhales through his nose. It doesn’t quench his anger, and like a bowl filled to the brim he can’t hold anymore. “No! **You** got us lost! It’s **your** fault! You always blame me for your mistakes!” The forest floor is uneven and Fili stumbles as he takes a step back, eyes fixed on Kili, who looks like he’s been slapped. Swallowing hard against the anxiety of realising what he’s just said - and the consequences of it - Fili takes another wobbly step back. He always tries to be good, to do everything right. It’s not his fault, he’s powerless against Kili dragging him along and getting them into trouble. Fili is good, he is. Because only good dwarflings are deserving of love and a family. _

_“It’s not my fault,” Fili whispers before turning and running, stumbling over rocks and roots to the sound of his blood rushing through his body in a panic.  
_

~

Fili is good at being invisible. He’s practised for most of his life and it’s become as natural as breathing. Once his body is mostly healed and the waves of chaos his arrival caused have settled, it’s easy to fall back into invisibility. Thorin and Dis are busy with their own matters and Kili, while trying to spend every free moment with Fili, is tied up with lessons and duties. Ori still comes by to help with his reading, but once his own lessons are done Fili has long portions of each day to himself. He spends them practising the alphabet, cleaning, and making sure that Kili’s clothes are always mended and folded away before he returns. Nobody gives him tasks, but Fili has been a slave long enough to know what things need to be done. Having a purpose puts him more at ease, but he’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

~

He is catapulted into wakefulness by the sound of the door falling shut. Fili’s heart leaps into his throat as he scrambled to sit up in bed. The candle on the nightstand has burnt down almost completely, the flickering light casting long shadows on the walls. Had it been completely dark in the room Fili’s sure his heart would have stopped. As it is he feels close to hyperventilating, his eyes tracing Kili’s stumbling steps from the door towards his bed. Judging by the way he’s swaying dinner at his cousin did end with too much ale, as Dis predicted.

“K-Kili?” Fili asks when he feels like he has enough control over his body to at least get his mouth to form words. What does Kili want here? It’s late, everyone’s asleep, Kili is obviously drunk, and…oh. Fili struggles to draw air into his lungs. Of course. Looking down at the blanket he misses the way Kili’s head snaps up and he beams like Fili is the best thing he’s seen all day.

“Fee,” he murmurs and sits down heavily on the edge of the bed. “Hello, Fee.”

“Hello,” Fili murmurs, twisting his fingers in the blanket. It’s painful to swallow all of a sudden.

“I hardly got to see you today,” Kili huffs like it’s a cruelty of the maker he can’t forgive. “I missed you.”

Not sure what he should reply Fili opens his mouth, then closes it again without saying anything. What does Kili expect of him?

“’s a pity you didn’t come along to dinner. Gimli ’n I snuck to the tavern after. You really…you really should come along next time,” Kili rambles, the mattress dipping when he moves. There’s a thud, then another and Kili makes a triumphant sound. His coat follows the boots and then he falls back on the bed. “Can I stay here tonight? It can be a slumber party, like when we were dwarflings.”

Fili nods curtly because what choice does he have?

When Kili tugs on the sleeve of his tunic Fili barely manages not to bolt.

“You gotta get comfortable too or ’s not a slumber party. Can’t sleep sitting up, Fee.”

Wishing that Kili would cut to the chase Fili shifts until he’s lying down, the new position feeling like something is pushing on his chest and making it even harder to breathe. Kili is nice though, nothing like Nigug. It’ll be fine. Fili can lie here and look up at the ceiling, studying the shadows cast by the flickering candle. It’ll be fine.

Yet Fili can’t help but flinch when Kili throws an arm around his waist, curling against his side.

“I’m glad you’re still here. I had to come and make sure you were,” Kili mumbles against Fili’s shoulder, his words slurring more and more. Before Fili has worked up the courage for a reply Kili starts snoring. His unspoken words leave Fili in a deflating wisp of air and he lies still as stone for long moments, his heart pounding against his ribs. Kili is a warm presence against his side, almost like when they were children. Swallowing painfully Fili forces himself to close his eyes. He’s all right, he’s fine. It’s Kili, of course Kili wouldn’t hurt him. Why did he think that? Kili wouldn’t hurt him. Not in that way. Kili wouldn’t hurt him.

Fili repeats the mantra through the night but sleep refuses him.

~

Kili wakes with his head pounding and his mouth tasting like the dirtcake he ate as a dwarfling on a dare from Gimli. He swallows and moves to rub his eyes, but freezes when he realises there is somebody next to him. For a second Kili is terrified of what he’s done in his intoxicated state, but then the evening comes back to him. It’s Fili, not some stranger. It’s Fili, and suddenly Kili feels warm all over. He keeps still and feigns sleep, not wanting the moment to pass, his hangover forgotten. Fili smells of the lemon soap Kili’s mother loves, but beneath it there’s something distinctively Fili that hasn’t changed in all the years. Kili has never been able to describe it but if pushed he’d say Fili smells like the mountain, like stone after rain, fresh and deep.

Shuffling a little closer Kili drifts back to sleep with a smile on his lips.

~

Dis takes another sip of her morning tea, watching the boys over the rim of her mug. Kili is resting his head on his hand like he needs help holding it up and pushes his breakfast listlessly around on his plate. Every loud noise or scrape of chair against the floor makes him wince. Next to him Fili stares unseeingly at his plate, his eyelids dropping lower and lower, closing for a few seconds, before he jerks himself awake and sits up impossibly straight, only for the process to start anew. Kili occasionally glances over at Fili, his emotions plainly visible on his face. (They have to work on that because as king a smile that’s too wide or a guilty twitch of his eyelids could be Kili’s downfall.)

Dis has half a mind to send Fili back to bed, but knows well enough that he’ll think he did something wrong and won’t find any rest.

“I have nothing to do this morning, so if it’s all right with you Fili I will ask the tailor to come and take your measurements,” she smiles at Fili, pretending she doesn’t notice his head snapping up as he is pulled from his doze. “Don’t even think about protesting, it is high time you got some nice clothes,” she adds softly, her tone chiding without the edge it would hold if she were talking to Kili or Thorin.

Fili nods and shifts in his seat, looking back down at his plate.

“Don’t worry, old Fari is really nice, you’ll see. I can stay with you if you want.” Kili places a comforting hand on Fili’s arm.

“That won’t be necessary,” Dis interrupts before Fili can reply. While she is glad to see her son taking such care and being gentle with Fili she also knows that Kili isn’t the best at assessing when he’s overstepping boundaries. As expected Kili pouts, but Dis pointedly glances at the hourglass on the wall.

“Don’t you have training with Master Dwalin this morning, my son?”

“Well, yes, but you see I thought since I’m not feeling very well I could maybe not go. Take it easy so my…cold doesn’t get worse.”

Dis quirks an eyebrow in disbelief. Kili and her look at each other for a few seconds, Kili widening his eyes and doing his best to look pitiful. Dis doesn’t even blink.

“Fine, I’ll go,” Kili mutters and averts his eyes.

Dis leans back and takes another sip of tea. “Be sure to give Dwalin my regards.”

Kili grunts in reply and stumbles gracelessly to his feet. Sometimes Dis has to wonder how the royal family brought forth a king with no sense of direction and a prince with the grace of a newly born fowl.

“I’ll see you later, Fili. Maybe we can go for a walk again.” Kili leans down and awkwardly hugs Fili, who sits up a tiny bit straighter, before making for the door. “Would have expected a little more compassion. Let’s see how she feels when I get terribly sick and have to stay in bed for days with a fever,” he mutters under his breath.

Dis breaks off a piece of her scone and pops it in her mouth to cover up her amusement. The heavy oak doors close behind Kili and leave her and Fili behind in silence. Taking her time eating the rest of the scone Dis waits to see if Fili will initiate conversation. Tucking a wayward strand of hair back behind her ear she glances over at him, noticing that he’s still sitting ramrod straight, frowning down at his plate.

“Fili.” Dis waits for him to look up, smiling gently in hopes of helping him relax. “If the prospect of the tailor coming by is that unpleasant for you we can postpone it.”

Fili shakes his head no before she has finished her sentence. “No…no it’s…it’s all right.”

“Are you sure?” Dis stands up and rounds the table, taking Kili’s abandoned seat. She knows by now that physical distance makes it easier for Fili to detach himself. He responds better when people are close to him, like he can only admit his thoughts if they won’t have to travel far to be heard. “You seem very thoughtful this morning. Did…something happen?” Dis carefully takes Fili’s hand. Handling him feels like handling a skittish horse, keeping movements and voice soft, reaching out and hoping that establishing contact will have a calming effect.

Fili bites his bottom lip and studies the crumbs on his plate. He’s silent for so long that Dis’ shoulders sink in resignation.

“Ki-..,” Fili’s voice cracks and he swallows, tongue darting out to wet his lips. “Kili stayed in my room last night.”

Dis has to lean in to understand his whispered admission. When the words sink in she feels like she’s been doused in cold water, her blood suddenly rushing loudly in her ears. What has Kili _done_? Dis tells herself to breathe, keep calm and find out the entire story. She prays that by the end of it she won’t be caught standing between her son and her Fili.

“Why…,” it’s her turn to swallow as her voice scrapes out like sanding paper. “How come?”

Fili’s hand tightens around hers. “He…I think he…he had too much to drink and…he said he missed me.” Something akin to wonder plays across Fili’s face and Dis exhales slowly. Surely if something bad had happened Fili’s lips wouldn’t be twitching in a disbelieving smile?

“He doesn’t like being away from you,” she supplies carefully. Fili’s fleeting smile vanishes as he turns to look at her, eyes wide and uncertain again.

“Why am I still so scared? I know I don’t have to be, I _know_ , but I still am.” Fili’s voice is raw with emotion, his outbreak leaving him heaving for breath.

“Oh darling.” Dis holds tighter onto Fili’s hand, fearing that hugging him would suffocate him. “You have every right to be scared. If I were in your situation I wouldn’t be half as brave and a lot more scared.”

Fili shakes his head. “You’re much braver than me.”

“No, Fili,” Dis replies. “It’s easy to be brave when you grow up safely inside the mountain. You, you are truly brave.” She takes his other hand in hers, wishing she could hold him closer. “You are allowed to be scared. And Kili can be overwhelming at times, don’t think for one second that he is always in the right. He should’ve known better than to make you uncomfortable.” But that’s another lecture for another time - one that both, Fili and Kili, are going to hear. “What’s important is that you are entitled to your feelings. Nothing you feel can ever be wrong.”

Fili looks down at the carpet and blinks like he’s mulling over Dis’ words. “I don’t want to be scared anymore,” he finally says, squaring his shoulders.

“Give it time.” Dis smiles, but deep down she feels like weeping because it’s never this simple and she’s scared herself. Scared that Kili is pushing too hard and Fili too fragile. Scared that they are all giving themselves away to illusions of what could have and should have been. Yet she has to pretend, like she always does, upholding appearances and attempting to give everyone the feeling that things are as they should be.

“For now, do you think you are up to seeing the tailor?” Maybe afterwards Dis can get him to nap.

Fili’s eyes dart up to meet hers and he presses his lips together. Dis gives him time to weigh the pros and cons. While he needs new clothing she won’t mind if he decides that he doesn’t want to see the tailor today. All she’s aiming for is for him to make a decision of his own.

“You will stay?” Fili ducks his head and his fingers twitch against Dis’ palm.

“Of course I will stay.” Like Dis would trust anybody with her boy. Or pass up a chance to dig through colourful fabrics. Growing up between males she could never indulge her female whims, both Kili and Thorin barely tolerating her holding up fabrics against their skins for five minutes before starting to throw tantrums.

Fili nods to himself before looking at Dis and nodding with more resolve. “All right. He can come.”

~

_Fili reaches the royal apartments and skids to a halt, bending over with his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath. His face feels frozen from the cold and his hands shake with adrenaline. Sucking in another breath Fili knocks on the door to the living room despite the nervous roiling of his stomach. Using his entire weight he pushes the door open and peeks inside._

_“Who’s this then? An intruder? Careful, sister,” Frerin’s grin makes Fili’s bellyache intensify. If he finds out what Fili has done Frerin won’t grin like that anymore and the Lady Dis won’t smile and hold out her hand for him._

_“What is it, darling? Where’s Kili?” Dis frowns, standing up when Fili doesn’t move away from the door._

_“I…we were in the forest. We were playing in the forest,” Fili whispers, clasping his hands behind his back. “And Kili fell and twisted his ankle. It wasn’t my fault, I swear it wasn’t!” Fili squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself for the anger that’s about to descend on him. He hears boots on the stone floor and pulls his shoulders up higher._

_“What? Why would it be your fault, sweetling?” Dis asks and her cool palm cups Fili’s cheek. He flinches and whimpers, still not daring to open his eyes. He had their love for such a brief time, he doesn’t want to lose it again. Though he should’ve expected it. Dwarflings like him aren’t loveable. Not for long._

_“Now lad, I bet Kili did a good enough job falling without any help. And you did a good job coming here and telling us.”_

_Fili is lifted against a broad chest, one broad hand cupping the back of his head. Carefully cracking one eye open Fili peers up at Frerin, calming a little._

_“Really?” he whispers, still feeling guilty, his argument with Kili ringing in his ears._

_“Really,” Dis agrees from behind them and kisses Fili’s cheek. Their kindness startles Fili and he desperately tries to push down the hope blooming in his chest. There’s no point giving himself away to illusions, their kindness is going to end when Kili tells his side of the story._

_“Tell me where the little rascal is and I’ll go and get him,” Frerin hands Fili over to Dis. “I think this one needs a hot bath, sister.”_

_Fili allows Dis to help him without complaints, soaking up every second of her attention. When Kili gets back things are going to change._

~

“You look tense, sister.”

Dis blows out smoke and watches the flames dance in the hearth. She can feel Thorin stepping up behind her chair, radiating heat. His hands are heavy on her shoulders and she groans around her pipe when his fingertips dig into her tense muscles.

“I’m worried,” she admits, slumping back in the chair and putting her pipe down.

“You’re always worried.” His teasing tone makes her snort.

“Of course I am! You lads give me more than enough to worry about.” Not enough that she has a brother and a son to look after, using all the subtlety of a female to save them from their own stupidity without them noticing, she is also a princess with a kingdom to worry about.

“Allow me to correct myself: you appear more worried today than usual.” Thorin sits down across from her with a groan, stretching his legs out towards the fire.

“I’m concerned,” Dis admits, turning her pipe over in her hands.

“Is this about Fili?”

“Aye.”

“I heard the tailor came by today. Did something happen?” Thorin looks around for his own pipe, huffing when he spots it on the mantelpiece. Before he can struggle to his feet Dis holds her own pipe out to him.

“No, things went very well with the tailor. Better than I expected, to be honest.”

From the other room Kili’s voice carries over and Dis winces at her son’s overly loud laugh.

“It’s about Kili and Fili.”

Thorin glances up from stuffing her pipe, raising an eyebrow. “How so? Kili seems rather attached to Fili already.”

“Exactly,” Dis sighs and twists a lock of hair around her fingers. “I’m afraid Kili might be overwhelming Fili. He spent last night in Fili’s room.”

Thorin chokes a little as he takes a drag from her pipe, coughing. “He did what?”

Nodding Dis sinks further back into her chair. “Fili told me that apparently Kili was drunk and came in, telling him he missed him. And he stayed the night. It was obvious this morning that Fili didn’t sleep at all. Kili doesn’t realise what impact his actions have on Fili. I fear that he is…overeager.” Dis rubs her temples as her headache intensifies. “He doesn’t understand that Fili needs space. I am happy that he cares so much for him, but I worry how Fili will grow to be his own dwarf in Kili’s presence. He is all too happy to follow Kili’s lead and accept whatever Kili decides.”

Thorin hums and smokes in silence for a few minutes, staring into the fire like Dis did before.

“I might have a solution.”

Dis stops combing her fingers through her hair and looks over at her brother, head tilted to the side. She has pondered this all afternoon and Thorin claims to have a solution within minutes?

“Do tell, brother.”

“I am leaving on a diplomatic mission next week. To the Iron Hills and Mirkwood. I will be gone for three moons if everything goes according to plan.”

Dis raises her eyebrows and nods slowly.

“I will take him along if you’ll allow it. It is high time for him to accompany me on such a mission anyway.”

Dis’ breath hitches in her chest. She has never been parted from her son for such a long time and the mere thought of it makes her heart heavy. At the same time she knows that she needs to accept that he is a dwarf grown, not a little lad. Just as Fili, Kili needs to come into his own. Maybe more responsibility will do him good.

Inclining her head, Dis sighs. “Promise me to bring him back safe and sound.”

“I promise you, sister. I will swear an oath to you, if you wish. Nothing will happen to your son. But it is time he sees more of the world, we’ve been coddling him for far too long.”

It’s difficult to admit, but Dis nods in agreement. While Thorin and herself grew under the strict rule of Thrain, experiencing war and loss, the kingdom under the mountain is secure now and Kili has grown up in shielded safety, Dis and Thorin determined that he should have it better than they did.

“It’s decided then,” Thorin rumbles. “We leave in five days time.”


End file.
